#jesus-christ

""So, doctor, do I have cancer or not?"" ""Oh Jesus Christ, holy shit, tons of it,"" said the doctor to Martin Shkreli.

What do The Minnesota Vikings and the Rev. Billy Graham have in common? They are the only two things on the face of the planet that can make 60,000 people on a Sunday jump to their feet and shout ""Jesus Christ!""

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary did…

A Well-Dressed Man Goes Into A Bar He asks for some 15 year old cognac. The bartender pours and passes a glass, and the man takes a sip. He makes a face, and says ""I specifically asked for 15 year old cognac, this is only 12 years old. This will not do."" So he asks for a glass of 21 year old scotch instead. The bartender passes another glass, the man drinks, scowls, and says ""This Scotch is only 10 years old, what kind of a fool do you take me for?"" An owlish-looking drunk, sitting in a corn…

Little April... Little Johnny jokes Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord…

If you love Jesus.. The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like …

There are three priests... ...at a bus stop. And a man walks up to them and says ""I'm Jesus Christ."" The three priests look at him and say ""no you're not."" ""Oh yeah?"" Replies the man. ""Follow me"" So the priests follow the man to a bar, and they walk inside. The bartender immediately yells ""Jesus Christ, you're back already!?"" At the man. To which the man says to the priests ""I told ya""

Did you hear about the narcissist who called himself Jesus Christ? He used the Lord's name in vain.

What would the punishment be for smoking a joint in the times of Jesus Christ? You would get stoned. And then get rocks thrown at you.

A man was about to jump off a cliff... ...and before he jumped he said, ""I'm doing this for Jesus Christ!"" I think he took a leap of faith.

Why was Jesus Christ a lousy hockey player? He was always getting nailed to the boards. Why couldn't Jesus eat M&M's? His hands are full of holes! What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jeus? It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. ""Who is the creator of the universe?"" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, ""God almighty!"" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, ""Tell me who is our lord and savior?"" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, ""Jesus Christ!"" The teacher …

You hear Pete Carroll is getting recruited for a new job.. Yeah, he is getting offers from the Pope at the Vatican! The Pope said that if he can make 100 million people say ""Jesus Christ"" at the same time, he needs to work for the Catholic Church

The Pope invited Pete Carroll to a private audience. The Pope needed his advice, apparently Pete was the only man on earth that could get one million people, at the same time, to stand up and say ""JESUS CHRIST""

Carpentry isn't what Jesus Christ is most known for because he was bored with nails.

Little April and Sunday school Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and …

Little Johnny at Sunday school. Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and…

Little Jonny and Little April Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and S…

Boromir One day Boromir was at a cafe meeting up with his old friend Sandra when he noticed a bruise on her face. ""Oh my God Sandra,"" he says. ""How did you get *another* bruise on your face?"" Sandra looked scared. ""I...I ran into a door."" ""A door, Sandra?"" ""I...I'm clumsy."" ""Jesus Christ, Sandra."" Says boromir, angry. ""One does not simply walk into more doors.'

There are two men sitting on a plane next to each and they both have black eyes... They begin talking and of course the black eyes come up. First man says "" It's a funny story... I was going to buy my ticket and when i stepped up to the window, I saw the most beautiful blonde with the biggest rack I had ever seen. I got flustered and mixed my words up. I meant to say, I need one ticket to Pittsburgh. But what I actually said is, I need one picket to Tittsburgh. Then she punched me right in the …

I'm spending the holidays with my girlfriend's family They really put the ""JESUS CHRIST!"" back in Christmas

A man goes to his doctor because he noticed that his farts no longer smell... The doctor is confused, so he instructs the man to rip one right in his office. The man is embarrassed but he does what the doctor tells him to do. The doctor gets a concerned look on his face and walks out of the room. After about 5 minutes, the doctor walks back in holding a long pole with a hook on the end of it. The man is frightened and he yells out, ""JESUS CHRIST, WHAT'S THAT THING FOR!?!"" The doctor then repli…

Little Lucy & Little Johnny Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?"" When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""God Almighty! "" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, ""Very good,"" and Lucy fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Lucy, ""Who is our …

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

The Walk I went to a mixed religion seminar. The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, ""By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"" I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, ""By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said, ""Insha Allah, you will walk today!"" I snapped at him, ""There's nothing wrong wit…