#jesus-christ

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, ""Who was the greatest man that ever lived?""A girl raises her hand and says, ""I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country."" The teacher replies, ""Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for.""Another y…

Jesus on the cross Jesus Christ is nailed to the cross and the disciples are gathered around, crying. Jesus calls to Peter, ""Peter, come here!"" Peter goes over to the cross, only to be hit by the roman guards. He stands up and wants to return to the other disciples and Jesus calls to him again. ""Peter, come here!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and says if Peter comes back they will but his arms and legs off. Peter is getti…

Sole Survivor A rescue team arrives at the site of a crashed airplane to find only a single survivor. The rather haggard-looking man is found while chewing on a bone, with a rather large pile of human bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. ""You can't judge me for this,"" the man says defensively. ""I did what I had to survive!"" The leader of the rescue team says, ""But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday.""

Jesus Christ, superstar He dresses like a woman and he wears a bra!

Boy pokes girl with a pencil A boy sits behind a girl he likes in Catholic school and he shows it by poking her in the back with a pencil. One day during class the teacher asks: ""Who was the one that created the universe?"" The boy pokes the girl with his pencil and she jumps up and says: ""Oh God!"" Afterward the teacher asks: ""Okay, who's the one that died for our sins?"" The boy pokes the girl with his pencil a second time and she jumps up and says: ""Jesus Christ!"" The teacher then asks: …

My father reminds me of Jesus Christ. Not that he resembles him or anything. Its just that he left, said he was gonna come back, and never did.

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross... ... and his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter, looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, Peter, come!"". Peter rushes over to the cross, only to have his right arm cut off by the roman guard. He gets up and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, Peter, come!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's othe…

An Islamist dies and goes to heaven... One day, a Muslim dies, and goes to heaven. As he enters the gates, he sees a man with a halo and wings. He cries: ""Muhamet! It's you!"" and the man chuckles and replies ""No, I'm only Saint Peter. Muhamet is upstairs."" The Muslim then goes up the flight of stairs and sees another man. He cries: ""Muhamet! It's you!"" and the man chuckles and replies ""No, I'm Jesus Christ. Muhamet is upstairs."" The Muslim is pleased: Muhamet is on an upper level than Je…

Me and my friend... ... were driving through a very long bringe over a river, while listening to some radio. We were singing along and, at some point in time we sang ""Jesus take the wheel!"" - and crashed in the river, drowning and suffering a terrible death that wipped all our sins. As we got to Heaven, we noticed our newly-dead situation and said in disgrace ""Oh man, why did this happend?!"" We see in front of us the one and only Jesus Christ and hear his beautiful voice saying to us, in pit…

A lizard was walking through the jungle... ...and he comes across a monkey sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. The lizard, being curious, asks the monkey what he was smoking. The monkey replies that he's smoking weed and the Lizard asks if he could try some as he's never had it before. The monkey allows it. After a few tokes, the Lizard becomes really thirsty with cotton mouth and asks for some water. The monkey directs him to a small lake, down the path and take a right by a bush that looks lik…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor's advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the…

Little Johnny and April Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and Saviour…

Pregnant Women vs Pregnant Men When women get pregnant it's all ""Oh congratulations that's wonderful"" and ""I'm so happy to have a life inside me, oh I felt it kick"" But when men get pregnant it's like ""Jesus Christ what the no how did this happen stay away from me"" and ""Oh Lord it's moving help me oh god help me it doesn't work like this Jesus AH IT'S KICKING ME NOOO YOU DID THIS TO ME SHARON""

Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble. ""Penny,"" the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. ""Who created the universe?"" When she didn't stir, Jimmy, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil. ""God Almighty!"" shouted Penny, and the teacher said, ""Very good."" A while later the teacher asked ""Penny, who is our savior?"" But again Penny didn't stir from her slumber. Jimmy poked her again with his …

Jesus Christ excrement unearthed in Isreal.... ""Well, Holy Shit!""

Retired golf vacation in Hawaii... A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife. He is really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf. The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club. After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out to the links. The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the course and they do rather well. After the sixth hole, …

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel As he walks in, he hands the inn keeper three nails and asks. ""Can you put me up for the night?""

Suzy is sleeping in Sunday school when... The teacher asks the class: Who created the heavens and the earth? Little boy behind Suzy pokes her with a pencil. ""Good God"", Suzy exclaimed. ""Very good Suzy. Now who can tell me who saved us from our sins?"" the teacher asked. Little Johnny pokes Suzy again. ""Jesus Christ!"" she shouts. ""Very good Suzy. I'm glad you're answering so strongly. Now, what did Eve day to Adam after their last child?"" the teacher asked hoping to stump her students. Lit…

Little april in Sunday school! Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and …

Why did Jesus Christ go to the doctor? His resurrection lasted more than four hours.

TIL Doug Liman will be directing an adaptation of the Passion story for 2017, with Matt Damon as Jesus Christ. Bourne is the King of Israel!

The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, the new priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his of…

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, ""I'm Jesus Christ."" The first priest says, ""No, son, you're not."" The drunk turns to the other priest. ""I'm Jesus Christ."" The second priest replies, ""No, son, you're not."" So the drunk says, ""Look, I can prove it."" He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, ""Jesus Christ, you're here again?

Little Johnny in Sunday School A Sunday school teacher think his students might need a refresher on Jesus, so he asks the class, ""Do you know Jesus is?"" Steven raises his hand and says ""Jesus is in Heaven."" Mary answers ""He's in my heart."" Little Johnny raises his hand and jumps up and down and blurts out, ""He's in our bathroom!"" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. ""Well"" Little Johnny says ""every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells…

So many people have a messiah complex these days.... I'm like ""Jesus Christ!""