#steven

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal's ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?

when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named "Steven!"

$40 Bill is out with his friends drinking, and realizes he is way too drunk and it is way too late. He has to go home. As he gets up to go, his drinking catches up with him, and he pukes all over his shirt. ""Shit!"" yells Bill, ""Now my wife is going to know I was drinking tonight!"" ""Don't worry about it,"" says Bill's pal Steven, ""Put a $20 in the pocket, tell her someone else puked on you and that they gave you the $20 so you can get the shirt cleaned."" ""Genius!"" replies Bill, and heads…

Steven hawking is setting a bad example for kids these days... Being on his computer all day

Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends! Son: Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic? Mom: Of course not! Son: Well, neither would he. Edit: a word

What if Steven hawking is the real slim shady We'll never know because he can't stand up

Little Johnny in Sunday School A Sunday school teacher think his students might need a refresher on Jesus, so he asks the class, ""Do you know Jesus is?"" Steven raises his hand and says ""Jesus is in Heaven."" Mary answers ""He's in my heart."" Little Johnny raises his hand and jumps up and down and blurts out, ""He's in our bathroom!"" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. ""Well"" Little Johnny says ""every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells…

Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are in a bar After a few drinks Steven says he's thinking about making an action movie about classical composers Sylvester says ""I wanna be Mozart!"" Arnold says ""in that case...I'll be Bach""

Why can't steven hawking perform comedy? He can't do stand up

Where is Jesus today? A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, **""Where is Jesus today?""** Steven raises his hand and says, *""He's in Heaven.""* Mary answers, *""He's in my heart.""* Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, **""He's in our bathroom!""** The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. **""Well,""** Little Johnny says, **""every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom…

Please read in Steven Wright's voice... I was driving my friend around and he told me he was hungry. Asked if I'd take him to the drive-thru. I said yes. I pull up to the place and we wait in line for about five minutes. Finally it's our turn. The lady asks how she can help us today and I tell her I need two cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a small Pepsi. She apologizes and says she can't help me. ""Why not?"" ""You're at a bank.""

Steven Spielberg dies and goes to heaven. He's greeted at the gates by Peter who informs him that God is a big fan of his work. He begins with a tour of the place and goes on to mention that if Steven needs anything to just say the word. ""We'll, I'd love to meet Stanley Kubrick,"" Steven admits. ""I'm sorry, but as you may know, Mr. Kubrick doesn't take meetings,"" Peter replies. They continue on their tour until Steven notices a man with a beard, wearing an Army jacket and riding around on a b…

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, ""Where is Jesus today?"" Steven raised his hand and said, ""He's in heaven."" Mary was called on and answered, ""He's in my heart."" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, ""I …

Dog Words The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word ""dog"" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix ""dog."" Steven raised his hand and said, ""Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!""

A joke my Cousin told to me when I was 5, that I rewrote one day. The Rabi and the Trids (WARNING: LONG) This is the story of a Rabbi named Steven. Steven was lost in the mountains of Bolivia one day. He had embarked from Lima weeks ago, but his translator had taken a rather nasty tumble and was no longer with him. But the Rabbi continued. He walked forward and up, perhaps being guided by a higher force. On the eighth day of his adventure in the mountains, he stumbled upon a beautiful river in …

Where is Jesus today? A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, **"Where is Jesus today?"** Steven raises his hand and says, *"He's in Heaven."* Mary answers, *"He's in my heart."* Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, **"He's in our bathroom!"** The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. **"Well,"** Little Johnny says, **"every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom d…

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yell…

A routine call to an elderly patient.. A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, ”And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?” Mr. Johnson replies, ”I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!” The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers. The doctor tells her, ”Mrs. Johnson, …

A new manager was hired.... The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes. The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and ordered him to get into the manager's office. "What is your name?" Asked the manager. "Steven," he replied. "And how much do you make in a week?" "I make about 400 dollars." …

A catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was. "Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised. "He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart" The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer "He's in my bathroom!" Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face. "Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in t…

Where? A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today? “ Steven raised his hand and said, “He's in heaven. “ Mary was called on and answered, “He's in my heart. “ Little Johnny, waving his hand furiou…

A chicken walks into a library... She goes up to the librarian and say, "Book! Book! Book!". Slightly perplexed, the librarian pulls a book from the nearest shelf (A Waffle Lot of Narwhal and Jelly) and gives it to the chicken. The chicken leaves, taking the book with her. The next day, the chicken returns empty handed, finds the librarian and says, "Book! Book! Book!". The librarian is extremely curious, grabs another book off the shelf (This Is Herman Cain!: My Journey to the White House) …

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.