#military

Cold War So at the height of the cold war, the US and the Soviet Union competed against each other during the Space Race. However, both countries were soon faced with a serious dilemma: how could astronauts write report in space, floating in zero-g? The Americans invested 100 million dollars into a research project that lasted for two years and monopolized the best and the brightest of the American scientists. They created a pen that could write in space, under extreme temperatures, under the se…

No problems A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of…

The second career Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. ""Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.' ""Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."" ""…

What is cookie monsters favorite war? Vietnom nom nom nom

the fowled experiment scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. british engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. arrangements were made. but when the gun was fired, th…

Ahhhhh Americans.... Americans: ""Please divert your coarse 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision Canadians : ""We recommend that you divert YOUR course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision"" Americans: ""This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I repeat, you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North."" Canadians: ""No, i repeat one more time. You divert YOUR course."" Americans: ""This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, The second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fle…

After reviewing Spielberg's WWII movies I can't decide which actor is superior, Tom Hanks in ""Saving Private Ryan"" or Sarah Jessica Parker in ""War Horse.""

I am looking for other military jokes. **What's The Difference?** Do you want to know the difference between the branches of the U.S. military? If you say to them ""Secure that building!"" * THE ARMY will go in kicking down doors, lay down suppressive fire, neutralize all hostiles and safely recover any civilians. * THE MARINES will set up a razor wire perimiter, establish patrols, and deny access to unauthorized personnel. * THE NAVY will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the computers and l…

The Italian bride A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride's father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a man before. Her new husband sits alone upstairs while she tells her mother how nervous and scared she is to be with a man for the first time. ""You-a don't-a worry"" Her mother tells …

During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border.

Literal Sandwiches General James: Where's Johnson? Private Ham Sandwich: I'm not sure. Hey, do you know where Johnson is? Private Grilled Cheese Sandwich: Yes, the general told him to get him a sandwich General James: Yes, but both of you are right here. It is then that General James realized what had happened. General James: He must've went to get me a real sandwich. Captain Real Sandwich: But i'm right here sir. General James: Then by god where the hell is he? The End. Courtesy of my brother. …

The Fearsome Pirate The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says ""Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."" The captain turns around and replies ""Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red jacket."" The first mate is confused and asks the captain why he needs a red jacket. The captain replies ""Arr, if…

I bet nobody here knows the name of the ""unknown soldier"" It's probably because they're so undrground.

So there's a brunette a redhead and a blonde who are trying to escape from a prison. The guards are onto to them, so they all hide in sacks.... The guards see the sacks moving and sends over a soldier to poke each one of them with his gun.The guard pokes the first one and the brunette says ""woof"" and the guard goes ""Oh it's just a dog"" he pokes the second one and the redhead goes ""meow"" and the guard says ""it's just a cat"". He then pokes the third and the blonde goes ""potatoes"".

The usher in church greets one of their members... and says ""Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"" The member says,""I am in the Lord's army"". The usher asked,""Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"" The member leaned over and whispered,""I'm in the Secret Service.""

Brazilian Soldiers An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President. ""Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents."" The President nodded his head patriotically. ""There were some losses on our end, however."" The aide continued. ""We lost a US hummer with four soldiers in it to an IED outside of Tekri…

Jewish scientist wanted to become rich and famous... After years of research he finally created his great invention - a potion that would make cats talk. He started travelling all around the country, showing off his invention, but to his astonishment people were not interested. He thought about it for a while and decided, that perhaps cats were not popular enough, or cat owners did not want to know what their pets are saying. So he worked for several more years and modified the potion so that it…

Repealing DADT is so lame. Back when I used to go to military social events alone, people would just assume I was gay and feel bad for me because I couldn't bring anyone. Now everyone knows I'm just too big of a jerk to get a date. Thanks a lot, gays!

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims ""So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"" The Lone Ranger responds, ""I'd like to speak to my horse."" Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, S…

Medical Students A group of first year medicals students are attending their first class. An eccentric looking lecturer walk in and says: ""An important thing in medicine, is not to be fazed by what seems disgusting to the general public. Allow me to demonstrate"" The lecturer brings a cadaver into the lecture theatre and shoves a finger up the cadaver's anus and promptly licks his finger. The lecturer tells the reluctant students to do the same. So, one by one they begrudgingly shove their fing…

Germany loses at home, and Japan beats America in overtime... M. Night Shyamalan's pitch for a World War II movie.

Moral of the Story. A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, ""My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eg…

The Interactive Pirate Joke ""What's a pirate's favorite letter? Arrrr What's a pirate's favorite color? Arrrrange What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"" at this point you pause and wait for your audience to say ""the arrrmy"" ""No, the Navy, dumbass""

pinoy jokes ngayon Isolated Camp Isang U.S. Major ang na-stationed sa isolated na Kampo sa Iraq. Kinabukasan, habang may ispection, napansin ng Major ang isang camel na nakatali sa likuran ng Barracks. Nagtanong siya sa Sergeant kung bakit may alagang camel sa Kampo. SGT: Major, dito sa kampo, masyadong malayo ang bayan kaya't kung sinuman ang gustong makatikim ng ligaya, nandito naman ang camel. Major: Bawal mag alaga ng hayop dito sa Kampo pero kung para sa 'morale' ng mga Troops, it's okey wi…

Johnny and his interesting stories... Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. ""MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."" Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. ""I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's ca…