#military

A drill sergeant walks up to a group of privates and orders them to water all the flowers and plants around the barracks. One of the privates looks at the sergeant confused and says: ""But sir, it's been raining all day."" The sergeant responds: ""Well, that's why the army has graciously provided you idiots with raincoats.""

Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and we are still in this shit?' One of the leather-jacketed brigade t…

William joined the army... He rather disliked the phrase ""fire at will.""

Trump and Pence are laughing amongst themselves at a White House dinner... A senator is watching them from a few tables away and wonders what they keep laughing about. Later, he approaches them and asks, ""I've been watching you guys for a while now and you keep laughing amongst yourselves. What could be so funny?"" Trump replies, ""We're going to start World War 3."" Puzzled, the senator asks, ""How are you going to do that?"" Trump replies, ""We're going to kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist…

alright you guys have posted some pretty bad jokes on here but not one comes close to this doozy brace yourselves so there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. the kingdoms…

I asked an Indian if he likes custard He said, ""not in general.""

An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, ""What is that for?""

The Sides' Squires Not sure if this was posted before, but here goes... There's a beautiful country somewhere where the land is divided into three parts, and at the center is a lake. All 3 kingdoms want the lake and decide to fight for it. The first kingdom sends all 100 of its finest knights with all of their finest squires dressed in the best of armor and armed with the finest of weapons. The second kingdom sends all 50 of its knights with all of their 50 squires dressed in decent leather and …

A Unit With a Reputation A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides he needs to go and check them out. After reviewing the troops on parade he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at parade. The general gets to the first soldier and barks at him ""Why are you here?"" ""Hemorrhoid's Sir!"" ""And how are you treating it?"" ""Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!"" ""And what's your goal in li…

A man was held as a prisoner of war for several months He was tortured for information, and every time he would refuse, they would slice off his extremities. They started with his fingers and when those were gone, they began to work on his feet. When the camp he was at was raided and overtaken, he saw his old commander walk in, a flood of joy and relief washed over him as he was finally free from the suffering, finally able to go back home. But as he met eyes with his commander, who looked down …

Everyone has been in the Navy at least once. We all started out as a seaman

Vietnam veteran's hilarious true story A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, ""Hey, do you see where we are?"" He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets, as much as they could fit. Then their commanding officer comes over, sees what the men are doing, and shouts, ""Finally!!! Bout time you boys started listenin…

A hare, a fox, and a bear have to get their physical exam for the military draft However, they all don't want to join the army. The hare is called first by the doctor. So he says to his friends: ""I really don't want to join the army, we have think of something, quick!"" They all think for a moment, then the bear suggests: ""What if we cut off you ears; a hare without its ears will never pass the test."" They all agree that it's a great idea and cut off the hare's ears. And he goes into the doct…

An Army Ranger was on vacation... ...in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the ""no haggle"" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, ""maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"" The vendor said, ""By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a co…

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier. One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty. That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his armpit and flatten it into a patty. My uncle was absolutely disgusted as they had hamburgers every Thursday for his 2 year deployment. While he was cur…

A general inspecting the troops A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides he needs to go and check them out. After reviewing the troops on parade he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at parade. The general gets to the first soldier and barks at him ""Why are you here?"" ""Hemorrhoid's Sir!"" ""And how are you treating it?"" ""Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!"" ""And what's your goa…

Why I Joined the Air Force The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question. ""What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?"" A sailor said, ""I'd step on it."" A soldier said, ""I'd squash it with my boot. A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it."" An Airman said. ""I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.""

We are sinking! There was a German refugee working for the British during WWII. His role was to man support for the navy. One morning he got a signal: ""Emergency! We are sinking! We are sinking!"" He thought about this puzzling question for a moment. Then he replied in the best way he could with his limited knowledge of English, in a strong German accent: ""What are you thinking about?"" This was stolen from a language-learning ad I can't remember. Just happened to pop up in my head.

France and Italy declare war... France surrenders and Italy switches sides. Both countries lose.

Why did the polish navy start putting glass floors on their boats? So every time they went out to sea, they could look at their old ships.

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt. The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way. The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and e…

How do they separate the men from the boys in the navy? With a crowbar.

Apple is working on an electronic seeing device for the Navy It's going to be called the I-Eye Captain

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I... The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them. ""Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"" The Aussies were surprised. ""What do you mean?"" ""Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!' But when you charge us, you shout 'Bloody BASTAAARRRDD!!!'""

God judges Satan vs Jesus in computer programming war. God tells Satan and Jesus they are supposed to create the perfect computer program. Satan starts off strong and within the first fifteen minutes has the rough architecture of his program figured out and designed. 30 minutes in and Satan is cruising along. Satan is getting all the layers the way he wants them and is getting ready to put the finishing touches on his program. As Satan is polishing off his program at the 45 minute mark the power…