#military

Bad Traffic A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, ""Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."" He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, ""Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up ?"" The Officer replies, ""Donald Trump is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his limo in the middle of the Beltway and he's threate…

I met a Muslim biker once... He was the Sergeant at harams

New Officer in Camp A new Officer arrives in Afghanistan and is being shown around by a Sergeant. They walk by a donkey tied up in a pen and the officer asks what it's purpose is. The Sergeant explains ""The men use it when they have certain...urges. it gets very lonely out here"" The Officer looked a little disgusted but says that while he doesn't approve, he can understand. Six months go by and the Officer is getting urges himself and decides that he has to go use the donkey. Hes banging away,…

Soldier reintegrating into civilian life A military veteran is assimilating back to civilian life and begins applying for jobs. He puts in an application with the state hoping for a 9-5 office job with decent benefits. They call him in for an interview. The interviewer is looking over his application and asks him about his military service. ""Yessir,"" says the vet, ""I was stationed in Iraq and then Afghanistan before being honorably discharged."" ""Thank you for your service."" says the interv…

The Genie and the Demon Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges. ""You have freed me from my near-eternal captivity!"" the genie booms. ""As my rescuers, you are entitled to one wish each."" The first man excitedly blurts out, ""I wish for a billion--"" ""Now hold on just a minute!"" the genie …

Some terrorists were walking along until they came across a hill. A voice was heard from the other side of the hill. The voice said: ""10 terrorists could not equal a Marine."" The leader of the terrorists then sent 10 of his men over the hill to investigate. There was shooting and screaming for about 23 seconds before the voice from the other side of the hill returned. The voice said again: ""50 terrorists could not equal a Marine."" Annoyed, the leader of the terrorists sent 50 of his men over…

So, the Presidential Election is only a little over weeks away and I still haven't decided... ...if I should learn Russian, Chinese, Arabic or Spanish Because we will probably have a war against Russia and lose, or get economically crushed by China, or get sold out to the Arabs, or get overran by Mexicans.

What's the difference between a fairy tale and a war story? Nothing, except fairy tales start off with ""Once upon a time"", and war stories start off with ""No shit, this really happened"".

So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines; *Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation. Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered due to the revelutionary mechanical heart) was on a routine patrol. During a small pause, he noticed his new heart playing up. *Tic…

A Rabbi, an Imam, and a good old boy redneck American Soldier are all in a plane crash and find themselves standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to them ""You've each made mistakes in your lives that could delay your entry into heaven, but I'm willing to let all three of you in at once if you can find something good in your brother standing beside you."" The Imam looks at the Rabbi and says ""Surely this fellow man of God served his people and his temple well, no matter…

Two Hungry Soldiers (Disgusting) After a long, big battle , there are two enemy soldiers left on the battlefield. They decide to make peace and look for food because they are very, VERY hungry. They look food for 2 hours but cannot find something. Soldier 1 says "" I can't take this anymore!"" and walks to a nearby dead soldier. Other one follows, curious. Soldier 1 takes his knife and cuts the dead soldiers belly. Behold, half digested pasta. Both soldiers very hungry and disgusted, Soldier 1 a…

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree. Several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, ""I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast.""

Change Your Course... Heard this from some friends, thought I'd post this here. On a very dark night, a Captain of a battleship saw a light headed on a collision course. He sent a warning message: ""Change your course 15 degrees East!"". He receives the reply: ""You change your course 15 degrees West!"". Annoyed he sends another message: ""I am a Navy Captain, now change your course!"". He receives another reply: ""I'm a seaman 2nd class, I suggest you change your course, sir!"". Angry, the capt…

How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base? I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.

Jesus Christ is covered in blood, dying on the cross.. his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, come hither!"" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, come hither!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier d…

My favorite French Army Jokes **Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?** To see the battle **Why do French tanks have 6 gears?** 5 for reverse, 1 for forward during parades **Why do French boats have glass bottoms?** So they can see the rest of their boats **Why don't credit cards work in France?** They don't know how to say ""CHARGE"" **What do you call a French man killed defending his country?** I don't know, it never happened. **France decided they would change their flag to be more sui…

So, tensions with Russia flair up... ... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 years to breed a dog, and on the set date of the fight, a single uncontested world power will emerge. The Russians immediately find the biggest and meanest Rottweile…

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then peppery spray by the police... he is now a seasoned veteran

Hitler was one of the most evil men in history. He ordered the mass genocide of 6 million Jews and was pretty much responsible for kicking off World War II. Although, on the plus side, if he hadn't have done all that there would be no Call of Duty: World at War

You're meeting identical triplets tonight. One's from the Army, one's a lifestyle Vegan, and one is a diehard Trump supporter. How do you tell them apart? Don't worry. They'll tell you.

a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india ) A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, ""Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, ""How did you do it?"" ""Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Indians. I approac…

An American, French and German soldiers end up in hell. They are told that they will be given a second chance and all they have to do is go find and bring back the weapon they used to fight in the war with. The German comes back first and brings back a pistol. He gets told that if he wants to go to heaven he has to shove it up his ass. So he starts to and is crying and barley does it and as soon as he does he is lifted up to heaven. The Frenchman is next and comes back with a bazooka. He gets to…

Sir, why do you ask for a red shirt before battle? In the days when tall wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, ""Enemy ship on the horizon."" The captain said to his ensign, ""Get me my red shirt."" The ensign, rather bewildered by this odd request, did as his captain ordered. Though the battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship. Later that day, the lookout shouted, ""Two enemy …

What did Iron Man say when War Machine asked to come with him to the future? Rhodes? Where we're going, we don't need Rhodes.

""When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"" It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, ""Hey, what about my gun?"" ""Listen, bud,"" advised the munitions officer, ""just keep your hands out in front of you as though you were holding one, and yell, Bang! Bang!'"" ""You gotta be joking,""…