#military

What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette.

Why the different branches of the military can't work together: The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to ""Secure the building."" he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to ""Secure the building."" he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to ""Secure the building."" he's going to lock al…

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, come hither!"" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, come hither!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and …

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.... ...Picking up the phone, he spoke ""Hebrew.""

During World War II, four men are captured by the German forces... During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman. One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, ""You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final wish."" The Scotsman says, ""Before I'm shot I'd like to hear Highland Cathed…

Recycling is important... I went to the bar last night. I saw two rather large ladies having a great time. They seemed to be speaking in an Irish accent. I sauntered over and asked them ""Are you ladies from Ireland?"" They responded, ""It's Wales, you idiot!"" I apologized immediately and said ""Are you whales from Ireland?"" I don't remember much after that. I woke up as a marine biologist!

A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea... They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims ""Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!"". The Englishman laughs and says ""That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"" Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: ""Heil Hitle…

The irony of war is that The ones who are right are the ones left.

Scientists develop the world's most intelligent supercomputer. After years of hard work an army of scientists, programers and mathematicians have succeeded in developing the world's most intelligent supercomputer. This computer, with enough time can answer any question. The scientists go about asking it questions which significantly impact the world. Many questions to do with science, politics, healthcare, agriculture and the universe were asked by the scientists and the computer provided correc…

What's the difference between an Afghan Military Base and a Pakistani School? I don't know, I just fly the drone.

A preacher, a librarian, and a soldier... ...were on a small airplane when they began to experience some bad turbulence. The captain of the plane instructed them to each throw out some of their personal possessions to reduce the weight of the plane so they could land safely. The preacher threw out some wooden crosses. The librarian threw out several of his favorite books. And the soldier threw out some grenades. Upon landing, the group encountered a little boy who was crying. ""What's wrong?"" a…

Why will Belgium go to war? *This is a joke my dutch grandfather told me, the dutch make fun of Belgians* Why will Belgium go to war with the Netherlands in 50 years? Because that's when they understand the Belgian jokes they make about them. Why will Belgium go to war with France in 50 years? They can't find the Netherlands.

If I could have any superpower in the world It would have to be Cold War era Russia.

A train was famous for its late arrival. There wasn't a single day when the train reached on time. So, the general public became accustomed to these situations.. One day, out of the blue, the train arrived the station at the exact scheduled time. The public went mad on seeing this and beat the crap out of the driver.. The driver gasping for his breath, shouts admist the crowd "" Get away from me, you morons ! Its yesterday's train""....

The Woman Marine Pilot The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Des…

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. ""On a woman,"" the doctor sai…

If the Swiss Army knife is so good.... How come the Swiss army never fights?

How do you say ""whoops"" in German? World War 2

Everyone lectures Americans about our politics.. We use our military to lecture the rest of the world's on theirs.

What did the blonde haired, blue eyed soldier become when he left the army? A veteran aryan.

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq and brought to the terrorists' camp. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, ""Well, I'm an American, so I'd like one last hamburger with French fries."" The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said ""Now, I can die."" The BBC Reporter said, ""I'm a …

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo... To help him, he hired a Native American scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says ""Hmmm, buffalo come."" The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the scout, ""I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"" The scout replies, ""Ear sticky"".

""GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND WE MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD FOR ANYTHING"" ""sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse"" ""Oh rad, bring it in""

A Man is Shipwrecked On A Tropical Island... He finds a native village on the shore. The people there take him in, and he has a pleasant life while waiting for rescue. Only one thing bothers him. From the villages up in the hills he can hear drums beating constantly, night and day. He talks to the chief of the village, ""Those drums are driving me crazy. They never stop. I can't sleep."" The chief says, ""When drums stop, very bad."" ""What do you mean? Are they war drums? Is there going to be a…

Trump and Putin decide theyre going to decide WW3 with a Dog Fight So they agree on coming back in a couple of years after training a dog for the occasion and rather than wasting millions of human lives and countless dollars they agree that the winner of the dog fight is the offical winner of WW3. Some time passes and they meet up again. Putin shows up with a mean looking Russian Shepard all muscle and just foaming with rage and hatred. Trump walks in with a long cage and opens it to reveal a 7f…