#military

WW2 joke. I read this conversation between two Counter-Strike players ingame... (I came in mid-conversation and for me it started like this) Player1: I cant believe your nick is Jewhunter, that's so offensive! My grandparents were in a concentration camp during the war. Player2: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, my grandfather died in a concentration camp. Player1: My god that's awful... Player2: Yea, he fell down from the guardtower. Player1 has left the game

A Swiss Army Knife is a lot like a pod of dolphins... Multi-porpoise!

The Wire Brush An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, ""What's your affliction, private?"" Standing at attention, ""Venereal warts, SIR!"" He then asks, ""And what treatment are you getting?"" ""Five minutes with the wire brush every day, SIR!"" Finally he asks, ""And what's your ambition, soldier?"" ""To get back to the frontline, SIR!"" He goes up to the…

Where Is God? Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just…

A frenchman walks into a library And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, ""No, you'll lose it.""

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew. A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner. Catholic: ""I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"" Protestant: ""I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"" Muslim: ""I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"" They then all wait for the Jew to speak.... The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually …

In The Military a janitor wanted to go out to the battlefield... When the soldiers were getting ready for a battle the janitor told the general that he wanted to fight. The general gave him a broom and said ""point this at the enemies and say 'bangity bang bang' and when they get close say 'stabbity stab stab'"" ""ok"" the janitor replied. Once the janitor got out on the battlefield he aimed his broom and said ""bangity bang bang"" to his surprise the enemy dropped dead. Amazed, the janitor baga…

The Guy Who Only Ate Pool Balls (clean) This guy walks into the doctor's office and complains he's been feeling weak and indisposed in general, without disposition to work, or even for leisure. He then proceeds to call the doctor's attention to the fact that he only eats pool balls. -I beg your pardon? Interrupts the doctor. -That's it, doc. I eat three red ones in the mornings, sometimes with a yellow one on the side. Then, for lunch, I usually have a purple one, a brown one, and three eight-ba…

Best submarine As the Cold War is ending, peacetalks are being held between the USA and the USSR. Two sailors, one Soviet and one US, are sharing cigarettes and are looking at the grand show of military power from a nearby pier. The American boast about the US navy: (with a thick Texan accent) **""Our submarines are state of the art and can stay submerged for weeks at a time! There is nothing that you reds could do about it!""** The soviet sailor replies: (in heavily accented English) *""HA! Our…

A Black Man on the Indian Reservation A black man is driving along the dusty road of an indian reservation. He's completely lost, so he stops at a general store for directions. Sitting in a chair on the porch is an old Native man. The black man asks ""hey, I'm trying to get back onto the interstate. Which way do I go?"" note: *Some native americans point with their lips* The wise old sage looks at the man, and points his lips down the road. ""You go down this road here, then turn left at the bar…

In a tough mining town saloon in the Old West, a dozen cowboys start talking about entertainment. The cowboys sitting around the bar want to see who is willing to perform the grossest, most disgusting act for $100. The first guy says he'll eat the horse crap off one of the cowboy's boots. The next guy says he'll let 3 of the cowboys pee in a pitcher, and then drink it. The last guy says he'll let all 12 cowboys spit their chew into an already half-filled spitoon, and then he'll drink a mouthful.…

Three explorers are in Egypt (long) and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: ""Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death."" He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end of the hallway, another door. Behind that door is a room full of treasure, so he takes as much as he can carry and leaves. He enters the hallway and walks about …

A priest, a thief, and a soldier. (Long) A thief, a priest, and a soldier were all in a plane that's about to crash. They each decide to drop something so they can look for it just in case they survive. The priest drops a bible, the thief drops a knife, and the soldier drops a grenade. The plane crashes, and, miraculously, they survive. They go their separate ways and begin to search for their items. The priest is walking around and see's a little girl crying. He says ""Little lady, why are you …

Back in WWII, the Marine Corps used Navajo speakers as ""code talkers""... The other Marines were always impressed with the enigmatic skills the Navajos had in predicting weather, where to find water, and tracking ability. One day on a patrol, a Navajo Marine on point came across a footprint ostensibly left by the enemy. ""The man who left this footprint is an Imperial soldier. He stands five-foot-six tall and weighs 120 pounds..."" The Navajo proceeded to recite a litany of information on the m…

British ship So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2 the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking! the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?

A joke my russian friend told... So stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers... One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: ""who sneezed?"" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pissed, he doesn't like being ignored so he gets the first row executed. He asks again, and no one answers... ""execute the second row"" and BAM the second row is dead! He asks again... then a little …

How to keep kids from acting up in class A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a…

Why do the 3rd Italian Navy use glass-bottomed battleships? So they can look at the 2nd Italian Navy! *[Sorry if you are offended]* Edit: Grammar

cross post, sorry for the link but it's technically text Sorry this isn't a traditional /r/jokes post but I felt it was in the general spirit of it. Cross post from funny on a classic joke: http://i.imgur.com/MN8i4.png [Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/vdols/probably_the_longest_time_between_a_joke_being/)

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II... He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to. ""I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg,"" says the officer. ""Oh no,"" cries the pilot, ""lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"" The German confers …

""Captain, I've lost my rifle!"" A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says ""Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"" The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private. He says ""If any enemies show themselves, just point this at them and shout ""Bangity bangity bang."" The private argues about how it won't work, but the captain insists until he finally gives up. ""Well what about close quarte…

John Cleese talks about the terror threat levels of nations The English are concerned about the recent increase in terrorist activities, and have therefore raised their security level from ""miffed"" to ""peeved."" If the threats continue to grow, the security levels may be raised to ""irritated"" or even ""a bit cross."" (The English have not seen ""a bit cross"" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.) Terrorists have been recategorized from ""tiresome"" to ""a bloody nuisan…

An oddly behaving soldier. A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: ""That's not it"" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ""That's it.""

The Secret of the Red Shirt Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade. One day, the lookout shouted, ""Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!"". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, ""Boy, bring me my red shirt!"". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines. Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same…

Somewhere, there is a turf war going on... ...between skeletons and secret gays.