#military

If everyone had a gun, we wouldn't have to worry about gun violence. This is why war zones are noted for their safety.

ARMY WIVES SUNDAYS AT 11 ON LIFETIME. IT'S NOT TV. IT'S NOT HBO. IT'S NOT FX. IT'S NOT EVEN WE. IT'S LIFETIME. WHAT, LIKE YOU'RE SO GREAT?

Che: "Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?" Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] "Independence."

An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It's the most adorable massacre in history.

If the salvation army wants a donation from me then they better get a kettle big enough to put my son in.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.

If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?

I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.

[Jedi Academy] Why do you want to be Jedi? [Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army] To keep the peace

In general, girls don't like to be described as "beefy". Even if you love beef.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

France declared war on al Qaida yesterday. Thank God, for someone needed to teach the terrorists how to surrender.

Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War? Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man. T: ....

Dearest wife, The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson's daughter.

Everyone's all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman's fighting Superman in 2016.

My views are my own, although they're heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.

My dad fought in World War II. I just received an email confirming my order of a maroon cardigan sweater.

Him: You're a DJ? I'm not one for dancing. I've got this leg, you see? I've had it since the war. Me: How long have you had the other one?

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

My favorite oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp. 2. Act natural. 3. Boneless ribs. 4. Civil war. 5. Freezer burn. 6. Adult male. 7. Happy marriage.

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

interviewer: any interests outside of work me: war and space documentaries mom: he means star wars me: mom stay in the car mom: nerd

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.