#military

Girl, me without you is like the History Channel without World War Two.

If I had to be in the military I'd probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

The second world war should have been called world war returns

I wanted to major in marine biology but those guys get pretty upset when you follow them into the latrine with a tape measure.

General Lee didn't have kids? A parent Lee not.

Blood oranges at the farmer's market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.

As a Brandon, I'm constantly at war with Brendans. Do not confuse them with my kind. They are shit demons. Slaying them is my birthright.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

I bet those 300 Greek soldiers would have stood a better chance if they thought to wear armor instead of going to war in capes & speedos.

General Tso's Curse: You have every intention of trying something new, but you just can't order anything else.

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife? Because you're a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like "yo why did u kill that kid"

Old Navy claims their Whirly Skirt is "the most fun a girl can have for $15." They obviously haven't been on a trip with me to Mexico.

Thumb war is never the thumb answer.

I've turned the wifi off. The 15yo's world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse. Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Just watched a heart-warming video of a soldier returning home from Afghanistan to his cat, who looks at him as if to say "Were you away?"

I thought it was funny teaching my parrot racial slurs, but I was horrified after reading his "Race War Manifesto"

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low? General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

"Impeccable" sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks...

before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war

"GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL" "Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse" "Oh rad bring it in"

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

All is fair in drunk and war.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.