#military

grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i'd see her again me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road

I wonder if John McCain plays with plastic Army men and pretends he's President at home.

To get a job in the Army you need good peoples kills.

In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn't hurt people and it's not two spaces after a period.

When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it's best to remember they're pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam] DOCTOR: So you're in the military? HER: Yes DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

"hey jay" "sup world war" "how u doin' dragon ball" - the z family reunion

Neat how we spend so much time and money on the war against pot but there are people driving around with eyelashes and antlers on their cars

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, "Thumb War" is not the answer they were looking for.

I've seen in war movies where women have to smother their crying babies to get them to be quiet so how come never on an airplane?

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back. Are you raising an army for Mordor?

-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army. Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

HIM: My new girlfriend's name is "Bella". That means "Beautiful" in Italian. ME: It also means "War" in Latin...so good luck with that.

I'm a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog "The War Atrocity Babe"

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

In my doctor's waiting room, I explained to a WWII veteran what a Twitter follower count is. I think he regrets winning the war now.

[soldier dying in my arms] "You take this & you give it to my wife." "No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me."

How to determine what party to vote for: 1) Calculate income 2) Divide by number of dependents 3) Subtract age 4) Download Game of War

I could never join the army because I'd never be able to figure out what time it is.

Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.