#military

A found a dessert trying to sell me military secrets in my bed last night. It was an under covers pie.

How do you sink a polish war ship? You put it in water

An insect falls into a mug of beer Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out. American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer. Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away. Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself. Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. He then moves to England and …

A Nazi agent is supposed to pick up some docs from a resident agent in London during WWII. Due to some unexpected mess-up, they drop at the meeting point, a soldier that speaks no English. The meeting point is a bar. So, they tell him to just come up to the barman, order gin, since the word sounds the same in both languages, nod for ""thanks"", pay and sit quietly in the corner not uttering a word, so no one gets that he is a German. So, he enters the bar, comes up to the barmen and then it goes…

A boy asks his dad about his past. ""Hey Dad."" ""Yes son?"" ""Did you ever get shot in the army?"" He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies: ""No, but I was shot in the leggy.""

If I were to tell you that we might go to war with friendly countries soon, well... allied.

A man was walking down a street in Moscow at night A soviet soldier called out for the man to halt but the man started running, so the soldier shot him. The other soldier on duty asks the former, ""Why'd you do that?"" ""Why it's curfew,"" the soldier said. ""Well it's not curfew yet!"" his partner said. ""I know- he's a friend of mine. I know where he lives and he couldn't have made it in time.""

Best explanation of Star Wars The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

The Giant On a planet far far away, there lived a race of aliens called the Twids. On this planet there was a mountain, and atop the mountain was a tree which hosted the most delicious fruit known the the Twid race. But there was a problem: there was a cave near the top that was home to a giant, and every time the twids tried to climb to the top of the mountain, the giant would run out and kick them off the mountain. The twids became tired of this, and so they contacted Earth to ask for help. Ea…

The Perfect Military Life Insurance Salesman A military life insurance salesman has a perfect record of sales. His supervisor was amazed and wanted to know his secret, so he secretly went to one of the meetings the saleman was hosting. He saw a whiteboard with a long bar and a far shorter bar drawn on it. ""This,"" said the salesman, pointing to the long bar, ""is a $3 million bar. That's how much the government will be paying your family should you die in combat and have insurance. This"", he p…

""He was selling things to people. And he died very young."" First grade children are playing a game of ""Guess my parent's job"" A girl starts with: ""He was selling things to people. And he died very young."" Whole class goes dead silent. One boy breaks the silence bravely: ""A soldier, right?"" E: word.

If a fish died in the ocean... ...does it become a marine corpse?

War has broken out.... War has broken out and conscription is enforced. John's birthday is called and he is summoned for basic training. Once he completes his training, he is sent straight to the front. Upon arriving, he finds out that there is a shortage of weapons. His commanding officer tells him that it's ok, because they have come to an agreement with the enemy, and whoever raises their finger guns first and says ""bang, bang"", the other soldier will fall to the ground as if they were dead…

There are only 2 branches of the military... There are only 2 branches of the American Military: the Army & the Navy The Air Force is a corporation. The Marines are #*?& cult.

A large group of Pakistani soldiers... A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a Indian voice call from behind a sand dune. ""One Indian Army soldier is better than ten Pakistanis."" The Pakistani commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out ""One Indian Army soldier is better than fifty Pakistanis."" Furious, the Pakistani commander sends his n…

Dorothy is stuck in Oz Apparently magical footwear can't solve all of your problems. So she stays put. Decades go by, and technology advances. Dorothy, realizing that things get boring without witches trying to murder you, gets a laptop. She installs Internet Explorer, and the connection is terrible. Dorothy uninstalls it. She gives Firefox a try. Better, but still pretty awful. Finally she tries Google's internet browser. The connection is STILL not good. She sighs, realizing that Oz just has t…

A man walked into a ladies department A man walked in to a ladies department walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ""I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."" ""What type of bra?"" asked the clerk. ""Type?"" Inquires the man, ""There is more than one type?"" ""Look around"", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material. ""Actually, even with all of these variety, there are really only three types of bras,"" replied the sales clerk. Confused, …

Diverting courses! (Actual transcript between a british army ship and Irish coastguard) IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision. IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your…

There's a Transcript between a ship and a Lighthouse US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course. CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course! US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!! CND reply: This is a lig…

A Brit, an American and an Italian are taken PoW In the last year of the Second World War, the Nazis take a Brit, an American and an Italian as prisoner. They torture them for information about allied plans. The Brit holds out for a few weeks, but eventually his stiff upper lip is beaten off of him, and he breaks; telling the Nazis everything they want to know. The American, also, can only take the torture for a few weeks before he spills his guts and provides them with every last bit of intel t…

What do you call a random complaint in Star Wars? A General Grievance.

A soldier was assaulted with pepper spray and mustard gas. He returned home a seasoned veteran.

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other France surrenders Italy changes sides Both lose

What do you get if you cross a dentist and a soldier? A Drill Sergeant

Before an army officer can get married, they need to know the rules of engagement.