#military

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence. I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

TIL there was a famous Roman Centurion who was unwanted by his parents, so they named him Anus. The pivotal moment in his military career was when he charged headlong into a squad of enemies and rectum.

A sergeant and two men from his unit walk into a bar 'Would you like to play pool?' The sergeant asked the attractive barmaid. 'No thanks darling' she replies. 'I'd rather play with your privates.'

A man who was in the army for two years died. The general orders a soldier to inform Mrs. Johnson that her husband died. The soldier obeys and leaves. A few hours later the soldier returns to the general with a crate of beer, and tells the general he informed mrs. Johnson. ""Good job soldier,"" the general says ""but how did you get that crate of beer?"" The soldier responds, ""I knocked on her door and when a woman opened I asked: ""Is this widow Johnson?"" She responded with: ""I am misses Joh…

There's a Soviet General on the eastern front in Finland... He goes to see his men to raise their morale; they've been having trouble taking a forest. From across the forest he hears, ""Ha! One Finn is better than ten Russians!"" The general is angered by this so he rounds up the nearest ten soldiers and sends them to find and kill the Finn. He hears a bit of gunfire on the other side of the forest and it goes quiet again. From across the forest he hears, ""Ha! One Finn is better than a whole Ru…

A veteran's son asks him ""Dad, did you get shot in the army?"" The dad replies, ""Nope! But I got shot in the leggy.""

Stonewall Jackson was usually in charge of confederate forces during the Civil War. Well General Lee i mean.

During the Korean War My grandfather was deployed to South Korea when North Korea attacked. He was, by all accounts, a terrible gunner. He struggled to hit enemy tanks and even if his shell did hit, as if some curse was upon him, the shell would either be a dud or fail to pierce through the enemy's armour. Despite this, his crew still managed to survive the initial onslaught. He was there when the army finally pushed the North Koreans back. However, they had to face a new enemy, the Chinese, who…

As I dropped my child off at school today I said, be positive If the race war starts before I get back, that's your blood type

Civil war To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them. He names the weapon ""Ambu-lance""

I if I had a Gender for every... World war

The kids at middle school are studying WWII... ... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces: ""Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."" The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in. ""Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was th…

M&Ms Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the ""loser,"" and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue one…

Forgive me for this one A German soldier who loves animals can't decide what to do after WWII. His friend says, Otto, it's easy to figure out. You're a Veteran Aryan.

A man was applying for a job in the navy So, the interviewer said. ""Can you swim."" The man looked puzzled and asked. ""Why, did you run out of ships?""

Top Ten Benefits of a Trump Presidency 10. Instagram photos of fancy food replaced by photos of comfort food. 9. Household net worth rises if women are considered property. 8. SNL and the Daily Show get a little better. 7. Americans get to experience four year educational historical reenactment of Nazi Germany. 6. Pared down Facebook friends list keeps snooping relatives from seeing your EDM concert photos. 5. College protests exercise the legs of students who did not leave their dorms to vote. …

I don't understand how a Trump victory means the end of America I mean America survived a Civil War, two World Wars, Watergate, the Cold War, 9/11 and two terms of George Bush Jr. I think America will be fine.

Army Wargames During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. ""Sorry sir, ""said one of the loafers, ""but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."" The officer turned to his driver and said, ""Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."" They helped.

After the elections the new President goes to visit Russia... ... in order to foster good will. As a traditional show of respect the Russians perform a 21-gun salute. A few blocks away a little old babushka walking down the street is startled by the great noise and asks a young man passing by ""What is happening? Is this the start of World War III?"" The young man laughs and answer ""No, nothing like that. The American President has come to Russia."" Satisfied with the answer the old woman conti…

A doctor from U.K. says: ""In U.K. the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's hand; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."" The German doctor comments:""That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."" A Russian doctor says:""That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he…

Old Soviet joke On September 1, 1945, a second grade teacher asks her students who have war medals to share how they have helped the war effort. A little girl raises her hand. ""Yes, Tanechka"" says the teacher, ""do you have something to share?"" Tanechka says ""I was in the hospital helping to dress the wounds for the wounded soldiers."" ""That's great"" says the teacher ""and what did the soldiers say to you?"" ""They said 'Thank you, Tanya."" ""Very good, Tanechka. Petenka, what about you?""…

Guy one: ""Bro I missed the first world war..."" Guy two: ""Don't worry man, they made a sequel"" Guy three: ""I heard it bombed in Japan""

Sir, we're mining useless ores! A soldier said, ""Sir, we're mining useless ores!"" Hitler thinks for a minute and responds, ""Mine less."" A grammar nazi runs up and says, ""MINE FEWER"" Hitler looks up, ""Yes?""

Nobody tells the British Royal Navy what to do... Except the Irish. This is the transcript of the ""actual"" radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, October 98. Radio conversation released by the chief of Naval operations, 10-10-98: IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. BRITISH: Recommended you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision. IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 de…