#russia

A guy is selling meat pierogis in Russia on the street. Customer approaches and asks: \- Hey! Was this meat barking of meowing? \- (with a deep voice) This meat was asking stupid questions!

A Canadian tourist is visiting Russia. As he's strolling through Moscow, he sees a Canadian restaurant, so he walks in. He orders potatoes and gravy. As he's eating, he says "Ugh, I hate this poutine..." He was never seen again.

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask, "What are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "In your country or post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these a…

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian were sitting together on a train. Wanting to impress the others, the American pulls out a gun and throws it out the window. “What are you doing!?” The others exclaimed. “Aw, “ says the American, “we’ve got so many guns in America that I didn’t really need that one.” The Russian thinks on this and then pulls a bottle of expensive Russian vodka from his pocket and throws it out the window. “What are you doing!?…

In a remote penal colony in Russia, a visiting colonel is checking the records of recently deceased prisoners... "Reason for death: poisoning", he reads. "What happened?" "He ate mushroom soup", a warder explains, "but the mushrooms turned out to be poisonous". "All right", the colonel says, opening another file. "Reason for death: poisoning. And here?" "He also ate the mushroom soup", the warder says, "and the entire bushel of mushrooms turned out to be poisonous". "Right," the colonel say…

Putin made a huge mistake in his plans to increase the birth rate in Russia He just had killed the only Russian with balls

One day an old Ukrainian man found an antique lamp He starts it to polish it off and 'Poof', a genie appears in a cloud of smoke. "Hoho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes." The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to Ukraine's border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home." "No sooner said than done!" thunders …

If you wanted to buy a car in Russia, you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it. In Russia, if you wanted to buy a car you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it. So a fellow goes to order a car, brings his cash, stands in line. The clerk says, “Very good comrade, you will receive your car on this day, 10 years from now”. The man asks “In the morning or afternoon?” The clerk responds irritably “Ten years from today, what difference does it make morning or …

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified. After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him. *"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."* *"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday, and they said the holiday was already over."* *"And then I called Xi Jinping to wish him a happy new year, and he said 'what, it's still the old year'."…

UN Survey Last month, the UN conducted a global survey: # "Please give us your honest opinion about a solution to the Food Shortages in the Rest of the World." ​ The poll turned out, not unexpectedly, to be a huge flop. Why? ​ \-In Africa, participants didn't know what 'food' was. \-Russia didn't know what 'honest' meant. \-Western Europe did not know the word 'Shortage '. \-The Chinese did not know what 'opinion' was. \-The Middle East asked what 'solution' meant. \-So…

America vs Russia An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: “I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president's desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country." The Russian replies nonchalantly: "Yes sir, I can do that too. I can go into the Kremlin to the President's office, I can pound his desk and say, Comrade President, I don't like the way President Biden's running hi…

A Canadian visits Russia... As he's strolling through Moscow, he sees a Canadian restaurant, so he walks in. He orders potatoes and gravy. As he's eating, he says "Ugh, I hate this Poutine..." He was never seen again.

Russia has announced early results from the election The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.

A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie. Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home. The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home. The man then, as his second wish, wishes for a horde of mongolians to come to poland to kill and pillage. The genie, really not understanding this man at …

At church in Russia they have Communionism. Jesus broke bread and said "This is my body..." The Russian apostle cuts him off and says "Nyet, it is 'our' body".

Russia just warned it’s citizens that Canada is an unsafe place for them to visit. I guess Vladimir heard Canadians eat Putin with gravy and cheese. EDIT: Wow. I did NOT expect this. Please check me out at https://linkpop.com/illgates <3

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep? Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

A local joke from my country So Bill works for the secret services and gets sent to Russia to spy on them. Eventually he got caught and the russians start torturing him in order to get the nuclear missile codes of Bill’s country. Bill shows incredible strength and integrity and doesn’t say a word. The russians are impressed with Bill, and eventually they decide to send him back home. After his arrival, Bill’s colleagues ask him about his mission in Russia, to which Bill replies: “Y’all better …

Russia is the second most powerful military nation ... in Ukraine. (Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

Putin summons the ghost of Stalin. "Why is everything here so bad? What can I do to make Russia great again?" "Execute half of the population, and paint the Kremlin blue" advises Stalin. "Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin. "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

Two old jews are talking in Odessa. -What's the news? -Have you not heard? There is a war! -who is fighting? -Russia says it is at war with NATO. -How's is it going? -70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing. -and NATO? -NATO hasn't shown up yet. Credit: Volodymir Zelenskyy

A Russia official visits an American official “Wow, nice car. Where did you the money for this?” Asks the Russian official “You see that bridge over there?” The American official says and points toward a bridge in the distant “Yeah, I see it” “I embezzled some of the fund for that bridge” the American official whispers. A few days later, the American official visits the Russian official “Holy cow, where did you get the money for this mansion?” Asks the American official. “Do you see that…

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eati…

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me. If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat an entire bucket of cow shit before they can do anything else. Putin, having always secretly been jealous of America, chooses American Hell. His …