#russia

A long way to go for a bad pun In Russia in the early 1800's, there was a weather man named Rudolph. He was very good at his job, but he was particularly famous for predicting rain. One morning, it was bright and sunny outside, without a cloud in the sky. However, Rudolph predicted that there would be a huge rain storm, bigger than anyone had ever seen. People laughed and thought it was ridiculous, but sure enough, that night it rained more than anyone in Russia had ever seen. In only 3 hours, i…

The Russian Winter One cold winter night in Russia, a small sparrow was wandering along the middle of a snowy road looking for warmth. After many hours of struggling through the frozen wasteland, it finally collapsed in the middle of the rode and began to freeze to death. Just as the bird was about to lose consciousness, however, a man on a horse passed by. The horse, unaware of the bird's presence, happened to do its business right on top of it, covering it to its neck in droppings. The sparrow…

Obama and Putin got a chance to ask God one question each... ...and Obama asks: ""So God, please tell me, when the US will enter into another recession?"" ""In six years"" said God. ""That won't be during my term"" said relieved Obama. ""And when will Russia achieve well-being?"" asked Putin. ""That won't be during my term"" replied God.

Why is NATO afraid of Russia? Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

Hey guys remember to visit Russia Before they visit you.

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian are sitting around a bonfire... ...when suddenly, the Russian throws his bottle of vodka into the fire. The American jumps up and asks, ""What did you do that for?"" The Russian replies, ""In Russia, we have so much vodka! We do this all the time!"" The American, wanting to one-up the Russian, grabs a handful of cash and throws it into the fire, and says, ""In America, we have so much money! We do this all the time!"" The Canadian grabs a Native.

A russian, a german and an estonian are sitting on a plane. Suddenly the pilot announces that the plane is going to fall down unless everybody throws something off the plane. The russian throws his vodka saying ""we have enough of that in russia"", the german throws his beer saying ""we have enough of that in germany"". The estonian throws the russian saying ""we have enough of that in estonia.

Q:Why did hitler kill himself after he lost to russia? A:His whole world came Kremlin down

Why can't Edward leave Russia this winter? He'll be Snowden.

A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today... It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question. ""OK class."" Said the American teacher, ""If I had three oranges, and I divided them fairly between four children, how many oranges would each child receive?"" Most of the children in his clas…

Topical Jokes for 8/28/14 Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten married after ten years of dating. That's right ladies, Brad Pitt is officially ""sort-of off the market."" ...we're told Brad Pitt proposed by getting down on one knee, then knowingly chuckling to himself for nine minutes. It's been reported that more than 1,000 Russian troops are in Ukraine, despite Russia's denials. Vladimir Putin explained that the armed men aren't soldiers, there's no such place as Russia, and 1,000 isn't a …

My favorite Yakov Smirnoff joke about the good old USSR. In America you find the party. In Russia the party finds you. Edit: in reference to the soviet party

The secret services of the USA, Israel and Russia argue about which is most effective. An impartial Swiss judge releases a rabbit into thick woods and instructs them to find it. The CIA and NSA conduct months of testing, hacking and spying before concluding that rabbits don't exist. The Mossad torches the forest and proudly proclaims that the rabbit has been taken care of. The FSB goes into the adjacent woods. An hour later, it comes out dragging a bloodied bear, who howls ""Okay, I'm a rabbit, …

In mother Russia..... .... Joke is you.

Sherlock and Watson take a hot air balloon Sherlock and Watson get into a hot air balloon and take off for a casual ride. Suddenly, clouds roll in and the winds pick-up, surely moving them off course. Sherlock says to Watson ""Watson, take us down and let us figure out where we've traveled."" On a stroke of luck, there's a Shepherd with his flock in the field. Sherlocks shouts ""Hello good sir, can you tell us where we are?"" The Shepherd paused, thought about it, and replied ""You're in a hot-a…

Ukraine asks Russia to leave... Russia replies, ""Crimea river.""

Putin is at a press conference... Reporter: Good day, I'm John Smith from the Coca-Cola company. Mr president I have a question. You've been trying to get the old times back, and bringing the good old communism back. Putin: Communism bring back russia, yes Reporter:Why don't you also bring the old red flag back? And maybe we will close a 5 billion dollar deal if you put our logo very tiny in a little corner... Putin: Hmm, I have discuss this *Putin whispers to his Prime Minister*: Psst, Medvedev…

Difference between a cow and Russia They both contain Putin...

[NSFW] Rumours started that the devil has been spotted in a hidden cave somewhere in Africa... ...The interest in these rumours rose and attracted the attention of USA, China and Russia. They sent their best spies to investigate the case. Months passed until they found the secret entrance to the cave. Surprisingly, the devil was expecting them. He acted as he admired their courage to face him and since they had no weapons at that time he gave them the chance to return tomorrow with the best they…

Poland... Poland - a country between Russia to the east and Germany to the west. If they piss Russia off, they turn the gas off. If they piss Germany off they turn the gas on.

In the old Russia, bevore USSR a small child comes home from the last day of school and holding his grade sheet yells to his revolutionary father ""Father! You know how you always say how bad our schooling system is? Now I have proof of it!""

Three businessmen and a lawyer on a train... There were three businessmen and one lawyer in a train car together. One businessman was from Russia, and one was from Cuba. The other businessman and the lawyer were from the USA. They were having a fine conversation, enjoying their trip. At one point, the Cuban businessman opened his bag, pulls out a cigar, and lights it. He bragged, ""In Cuba, we have the finest tobacco, and we handcraft the best cigars in the world. And we have so many of them, we…

There's a new video subscription service in Russia called Nyetflix But the rental period is too short so you're always Russian!

Superpowers If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Cold war Russia.

Imagine that you were tired of living in a police state and decided to leave Russia for good a while ago, and bought a small house in Crimea.