#airplane

GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again

Hello this is ur pilot speaking We almost began our descent but my copilot said "turn down for what" so looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

Whenever I'm getting off a plane I like to go up to the pilot, lean in really close and whisper "I had my phone on that whole time."

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Ginger Ale tastes so much worse outside an airplane.

[mouse plane] mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking- *mouse passengers squeal with delight*

Kinda of a shitty joke but...... Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !' Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talk…

Three guys survive a plane crash Both pilots and a passenger. They find themselves stranded in a dense unknown jungle. After hours of searching for some sort of help or civilization the ground starts to rumble. In panic they run through the vegetation but it's no use. A huge monstrous cyclops rushes from behind them and scoops them up. With a sinister voice he says "" I am king of this forest, ruler of pain and conquer of death. If you wish to escape you must complete a challenge. Each of you mu…

A blonde, brunette, and red head are trapped on an cliff... A blonde, brunette, and redhead are trapped on a cliff with a magic genie. The genie says, ""I want to play a game. You each run, jump off the cliff and say something to get you off the cliff alive."" so the brunette runs, jumps and says "" I wish I was an airplane!"" so she turned into an airplane and flew away. Then the redhead decides to go. She runs, jumps of the cliff and says "" I wish I was a bird!"" so she turned into a bird and…

Pierre the French fighter pilot Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: ""Pierre, kiss me"". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. ""What are you doing, Pierre?"" shrieks Marie. ""Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"" His answer is good enou…

Lone Survivor The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says ""You can't judge me for this, I had to survive."" The rescue leader says ""But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!""

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies... who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud says, ""Man, I wish we had something to drink!"" Jim says, ""Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fa…

At the State Fair.... Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, ""Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."" And every year Martha would say, ""I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."" This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, ""Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."" Martha replied, ""Stumpy, that there air…

You must be an Engineer... (I'm fairly new to reddit, so I hope this isn't an old one.) A guy is lost on a hot air balloon ride. After some time, he sees a man in a field and lowers the balloon to ask for directions. ""Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"" he calls down. The man in the field thinks for a moment and replies, ""You are about 200 ft. above the ground, latitude 56, longitude 103."" The balloon pilot, looking flustered, calls back, ""You must be an Engineer."" ""How did you know?"…

So people are loading into an airplane And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off strip is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the strip. A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plan…

A Priest and a Jamaican man are on a plane... ..and as they're taking off, the pilot says over the intercom ""folks, I have something to tell you. I cannot fly the plane if someone passes gas; if someone does, I'll pass out and the plane will crash."" So halfway through the flight, the plane noses forward and goes into a dive. And the Jamaican stands up and screams ""Who passed de gas?"" The priest says ""how did you know?"" And the Jamaican answers ""de scent!"" ...I'll show myself out

Flying Blind A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning. The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, ""The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."" The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. ""We're flying o…

Plane Ride Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ""Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."" Esther always replied, ""I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."" One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, ""Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."" Esther replied, ""Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty d…

The Greatest Fighter-pilot in France! There is a fighter-pilot in France called Pierre. He is known throughout all of France as the best. Men want to be him, women want to be with him. One night he is on the banks of the Seine with a beautiful woman. He charms her with his sharp wit and his soft whispers. Eventually she says ""Pierre, kiss me"". At this point Pierre pulls out a bottle of red wine, opens it, and pours it all over the woman's face. ""Ahh, Pierre! Pierre! What are you doing?!"". He…

Pierre the French Fighter Pilot Pierre the French fighter pilot brought his recent date back to his house. As they began to kiss, he poured red wine over her red lips. The girl asked ""Pierre, why did you do that?"" Pierre responded ""I am Pierre the French fighter pilot. When I have red meat, I have red wine."" They continued their heated activities and Pierre took off her shirt, pouring white wine on her breasts. The girl asked ""Pierre why did you do that?"" Pierre responded ""I am Pierre the…

A blond girl is on a plane to Dallas... ... she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says ""Excuse me, mam, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class, could you please move to coach?"" She puts down her magazine, looks at her in the eyes, and says ""I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas."" She continues reading her magazine. The flight attendent c…

People on a plane Bill Gates, Tony Blair, an old man and a schoolchild are on a plane, when the pilot bursts out of the cabin ""The plane is about to crash, and there are only four parachutes. And one of them is mine!"" The pilot jumps out of the plane with the parachute Tony Blair stands up, grabs a parachute and says ""I was Prime Minister of the UK, I deserve to live!"" He jumps out of the plane Bill Gates stands up and says ""I am the smartest man alive, I should survive"" He grabs a parachu…

Three men are on an airplane... One of them has a knife, one has a gun, and the other has a bomb. The first guy with the knife, realizes that he cannot go through with hijacking the plane, so he throws the knife out the window. The second guy, with the gun, also decides that he cannot go through with hijacking the plane, and throws his gun out the window. Alas, the third guy also makes this decision, and throws the bomb out of the window. Their plane lands sometime later and they decide to grab …

A black man and his son were on a plane.. ......in midair the flight attendant announces that they've lost an engine and have to dump the luggage and anything extra to keep them upright. After a few minutes the pilot comes on the intercom to say that the dumping of luggage didn't work and that they're going to dump passengers. He then adds, 'don't worry, we're going to fly low and there will be life boats below that will pick you up; you'll be fine!' The flight attendant then takes over and says…