#airplane

Vicky gets her helicopter ride Henry and his wife Vicky went to the state fair every year, and every year Vicky would say, ""Henry, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"". Henry always replied, ""I know Vicky, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars"". One year Henry and Vicky went to the fair, and Vicky said, ""Henry, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."" Henry replied, ""Vicky that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50…

If Trump wins I'm leaving the country if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not a political post, I'm just a pilot so I always travel

What is white and hurts a homophobic man if it lands on him? An airplane

""Fly Southwest"" The little boy had been looking out of the window. He turned to his mother and asked, ""If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"" The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant. The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, ""If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"" The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy…

A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane.. A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he'll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first…

On a transatlantic flight to Poland... ...the pilot announced on the intercom, ""Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost one of our engines. But don't worry. We can still fly on the other three. It'll just take an extra hour to get to Poland."" Grumbles ensued but died down. A while later the pilot announced, ""Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a second engine. But don't worry. We can still make it on two. It'll just take an extra three hours to get to Poland."" Grumbles turned into annoyed remarks.…

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, ""that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hun…

A genuine plane crash story... ""I was sat next to the pilot on a small prop plane coming into land on a dirt strip in Central America. As we hit the ground, a cow decided it would be a good time to wander across the runway. We hit the cow pretty hard and the impact flipped the plane over on to its roof. Amazingly we were both fine, but upside down, still strapped into our seats and with some sort of fluid leaking over us. The pilot turns to me and says: 'Well that didn't go so well but at least…

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, ""WHERE AM I?"", and hold…

What do we want? LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWwwwwwwww

An englishman, a welshman, and an irishman are sitting on a small plane headed for England. They're all going to live in England. The pilot says they hit a jetstream, and need to lose dead weight, or else they'll crash. The welshman grabs an urn and throws it off. ""Those were the remains of my wife. She was a great woman. Eh, there's tonnes of women in England"" The irishman grabs a keg and throws it off. ""That was the last keg o' beer I made before my brewery burned down. So many memories. Eh…

Four mid-life friends meet up once a year. This year they decide to meet in the bar that was once their local for an evening of drinking and catching up. Jack heads to the bar to get the first round in. Steve A starts the conversation. ""So hows the family guys? My son is doing quite well, airline pilot! The other day he took his new squeeze to Jamaica, his third holiday in 3 months.."" Steve B leans in and scoffs at the idea. ""My lad is in banking. Just bought his other half a yacht. Planning …

Three politicians are sitting on a private plane... The first politician took out a $1000 note, threw it out the window and said: ""i just made 1 person in our country very happy"". Upon hearing this, the second politician took out ten $100 notes and threw it out of the window and said: ""i just made 10 person in our country very happy"". The third politician pulled one hundred $10 notes and tossed it out of the window and said: ""i just made 100 people in our country very happy"". The pilot lau…

What do you call an Islamic pilot? A pilot, you racist.

I asked Siri "" surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow"" and he replied "" yes it is, and don't call me Shirley""...turns out I left airplane mode on

My dad died on 9/11... He was a terrible pilot.

What should have tipped off the airline ticket sellers on 9/11? When the terrorists asked for anything cheaper than one-way.

9/11 jokes are hurtful to me. My dad died that day The best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia. Sniff.

Before takeoff our flight attendant asked everyone to turn off their Samsung Galaxy phones You know, the ones with the headphone jack

Discount Air Rides Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

A mexican, a Chinese, and an American get in a plane While in the air the pilot said that the passengers needed to throw things out the window because the plane was too heavy. The Mexican threw out his beans since he had a lot in his country. The Chinese man then throws his rice out since he has a lot of it in his country. The American then says, ""Oh, I know what I have a lot of in my country!"" Then grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first? Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.

New Note 7 has really nice travel perks.. Flight attendant asked what's in my bag. I said it's my new Galaxy Note 7 and charger. Then she became extra nice, asked me where I would like to sit, what I would like to drink, in which country I would like to land in.. amazing perks.

A pilot was told to transfer mad people from Texas to Mexico..... he agreed and carried them in his plane. Every place was so noisy. Later one of the mad men approached the pilot and said ""please, can you teach me how to fly the aeroplane""? The pilot replied, ""I will teach you how to fly if you will tell your friends to stop making noise .""(He thought the mad man couldn't do it) The mad man went in, after some minutes, the plane was silent as if an angel had had just appeared. After some tim…

Airline Prices Airline prices are getting out of control, soon they will start charging for emotional baggage. ""Where did he touch you as a kid? that will be an extra $50.""