#airplane

[on plane] Me: It's ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I'm a hippo btw Me: Nooooo

It's always a little disconcerting how before you trust them with your life every airline checks you in using computers running Windows 95.

Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"

CNN writer: how's this - my phone is missing. CNN exec: meh Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode! *CNN exec absolutely loses it*

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he'd go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

Loved Inception. It took me to exotic places I could never visit in real life, like the first class cabin of an airplane.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it'd be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

Plane turbulence is caused by flying over hot areas, flying over mountains, and you getting up to use the airplane bathroom

Try not to remember that your brain is the pilot of a meat robot that can't do twenty pushups without dying.

"Good morning, this is your pilot speaking" ... "AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING" ... "and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing"

[Shark Tank] Ok hear me out. -Alright. It's an airplane made out of cats. -But why? It cant crash. Always lands on it's feet. -Please leave.

Eating a meal on an airplane makes me feel like a Tyrannosaurus rex who has to operate on a baby.

Crazy that we could end poverty by having an airplane drop thousands of inspirational quotes from Facebook on a 3rd world village.

The letter I takes up less room than the letter W yet they're both counted as one character. If Twitter was an Airline this wouldn't happen.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds

This is your pilot speaking. We'll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Pilot [on intercom]: You guys want to see a dead body?

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I'm literally just pressing buttons.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

"If you're flying with 3 kids, pick the 1 with the highest earning potential & then work your way down with oxygen masks." -Flight attendant

pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky pilot: not now gary

[airplane intercom] good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

This is your pilot speaking. If you have any requests, please give them to the flight attendant. Anyway, here's Wonderwall.

The flight attendant keeps saying "Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don't have flight attendants."