#airplane

what's the deal with "airplane food?" newsflash, jerry: it's called jet fuel.

[on intercom] Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear

"That's not Captain Kirk." is what I like to say just after the pilot makes his first announcement & then everyone laughs in my head.

We have enough pictures of airplane wings now, people who travel. Thanks.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you? RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

"Sir you can't bring your dog onto the plane" [labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat] "Omg captain I'm so sorry"

A surprising number of people, even in 2010, lack the depth perception to sit in the right airplane row on the first try.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash. [Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

I let Jesus be my co-pilot once. Terrible decision, really. I was all, "Drive, Jesus! Drive!" And he was like, "No hablo ingles, senor!"

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a "SAMANTHA" sign, then cry after everyone's exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

I'm forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

what do we want LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES when do we want them NNNNEEOOOW

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe [5 hrs later] ME: ok fine maybe ur right WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

*notices battery is at 4%* *goes into airplane mode* *turns down brightness* *exits all apps* *prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

PILOT: if you look out the window you'll see we're cruising at 35,000 feet [i look out the window] [THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

I've seen in war movies where women have to smother their crying babies to get them to be quiet so how come never on an airplane?

I wonder what those old comedians who made livings cracking wise about airline food are doing now that there's no such thing.

I think sitting on an airplane is the most exhausting type of sitting.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you'll see me doing the worm on the runway

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can't talk cause we both said "hope we don't die haha" at the same time and i jinxed him

No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.

The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.

It's always funny when the flight attendant says "we know you have a choice of airlines" as if free will exists.