#airplane

Free advice: Saying "meaty shaft" in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.

Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

co-pilot: "ask in a way that won't panic everyone" pilot: "ok" [via intercom] "is there a fireman on the plane?"

The first thing I'm going to do when I'm rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked. Worst. Transformer. Ever .

When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.

When the pilot says, "This is your captain speaking," I like to brush the hair from his eyes and whisper, "This is your passenger listening"

Please take selfies. There are enough pictures of sunsets and airplane wings. Your face is more interesting.

An airplane killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach. Which is why I don't jog.

For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.

Everyone on a flight is technically a flight attendant

What is the deal with airplane food? Seriously, I'm trying to feed this thing and I don't know what airplanes eat.

Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma. Teen: Huh? Doctor: He's in airplane mode now. Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Hey airplane designers, why don't the people who pick the number of windows talk to the people who pick the number of rows?

*puts finger over your lips* Shhhhhhhhhhhhh *feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

VERY angry at @united flight attendant who REFUSED to let me ride as a lap baby

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

i've got a pilot's licence... and i'm not giving it back to him. luckily he's too drunk to notice.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I'd have an excuse to tell passengers, "Where we're going, we don't need roads."

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.