#airplane

Joe was chopping wood with his Dad Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot! Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.

Man 1: A plane is carrying 500 bricks, one brick suddenly drops, how many bricks are still in the plane? Man 2: Easy, 499. Man 1: Good, tell me three steps of putting an elephant into the fridge. Man 2: Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close it. Man 1: Good, tell me four steps of putting a giraffe into the fridge. Man 2: Open the fridge, pull the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the fridge. Man 1: It's lion king's birthday, all animals arrived but one, which one is it? Man 2: The gir…

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes. The first passenger said, ""I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die."" So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, ""I am the newly-elected US president and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die."" He took the second pack and …

An asian asks for help at an airport... Asian: ""why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."" Airplane help guy: ""fluctuations."" Asian: ""fluck you americans too.""

Man's Logic [Long] Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about three Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not a…

A Photon checks in at an airline front counter. Agent says... Sir, do you have any checked baggage?' Photon replies, 'No, I'm travelling light.'

Santa's Flight Readiness Review It is a little known fact that even Santa must keep his pilot's license current in order to make his deliveries every year. And so, the old man wasn't too surprised when he got a letter from the FAA informing him that an examiner would be appearing shortly to run him through the usual re-certification drill. Santa immediately dispatched a detail of elves to wash and polish the sleigh, another group was assigned to inspect, service, and repair all the tack, and a t…

[Long] A hunter is trying to put all his deer on his plane. The pilot asks him, ""How many have you got?"" ""Nine"", says the hunter. The pilot shakes his head and replies, ""I'm sorry, but this isn't a very powerful aircraft. At most, you'll only be able to bring five or six. Nine is too dangerous."" ""Actually"", the hunter points out, ""I loaded nine deer onto a plane just like this one the last time I came here to hunt. It'll be fine."" The pilot shrugs and gives the hunter the all-clear. ..…

A Blonde boards a airplane... A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, ""I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."" The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats ""I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good…

I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess That's how i lost my job as a pilot.

The Pope, Lebron James, Donald Trump, and a 10 year old boy are flying in a airplane ... The airplane looses power and is quickly falling from the sky, they are gonna crash. Their are only three parachutes and the discussion begins about who should have them. Lebron James rambles on ""I'm the King of Cleveland! My fans need me to win the championship!"" He takes one of the parachutes and bails. Donald Trump rambles on "" I am President Elect! My people need me to make America Great Again! I am t…

Breaking news! A man who tried to sue an airline company about his missing luggage has lost his case

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, ""Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pil…

New Series For The The History Channel The History Channel is planning a new series, ""Airline Tragedies."" They are putting the pilot together as I write this.

The kids at middle school are studying WWII... ... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces: ""Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."" The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in. ""Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was th…

Who did the Rebel pilot pledge loyalty to before crashing into the Death Star? ADMIRAL ACKBAR!!!

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "" I am Steph Curry , the best NBA basketball player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die"" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane The 2nd passenger , Donald Trump , said , "" I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die."" He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the…

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said: - Hey, Ben! What happened to you? You went abroad, right? Ben: That was the plan but it didn't push through. John: But why? What happened? Ben: They beat me inside the airplane. John: That's why you look like that, but why did they beat you? Ben: Because I saw an old friend from college, and I called him. John: What? You just called him and you got beaten? What exactly did you say? Ben: I just ca…

Hundred bucks is Hundred bucks! Dave and his wife Shae went to the state fair every year, and every year Dave would say, 'Shae,I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Shae always replied, 'I know Dave, but that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks' One year Dave and Shae went to the fair, and Dave said, 'Shae, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Shae replied, ""Dave that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and h…

Two blondes are having a conversation... Do you know that the black box of an airplane is actually orange! The other respond: OMG! So, it's not a box?!?

Some dude was planning on stealing an airplane.. He went to an online bookstore and bought a book titled ""How to Fly an Airplane,"" he then went to the airport and somehow he was able to bypass the security. Once he was in the Airplane, he sat in the pilot's seat, opened the book and followed the instructions step by step. Eventually he was able to fly the airplane, once he was in the air he turned to the last page and saw ""Don't forget to buy the next book in this series, (How to Land an Airp…

A plane is losing altitude fast.. It desperately needs to lose weight. The pilot come on the radio and says, ""Alright we need people to start jumping out to lighten our load. We're going to start with alphabetical order. Are there any African Americans on the plane?"" No one raises there hands. The pilot speaks again, ""Are there any blacks on board today?"" Again, not a single person. He spoke up again, ""How about any colored people, do we have any colored?"" Still no one. A boy way in the ba…

Y'know, there was this one time I was playing a videogame with a member of the Ursidae family while we were in an airplane together. It was really fun, or at least until he pressed Z twice... Yep, we did a bearall roll.

Old airforce joke A C-130 is being escorted by an F-16. The fighter pilot gets bored, pushes the engine and does some stunts. He loops, dives, does a few barrel rolls and has some fun. He radioes the C-130 pilot: ""How was that? Cool, huh?"" C-130 pilot radioes back: ""That was nothing. I can do something with my beauty of a plane no fighter pilot with his fighter can! Watch this:"" Patiently the fighter pilot waits for 5 minutes but the Hercules just keeps flying straight n' level. He asks the …

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are on a plane that is about to crash... And the pilot comes over the intercom saying if they want any chance of living they better chuck as much excess weight off the plane to help with the emergency landing. The English man picks up his prize collection of rare novels and with a heavy heart chucks it out the plane. The Scotsman chucks out his set of weights thinking how much those things cost to replace. The Irishman looks a bit uncomfortable and admi…