#airplane

Passenger profiled on airplane flight for doing math. I want to know if the profiler is a blonde? Feminist? Liberal arts major?

Why did the Boeing 747 crash into an orphanage? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread!

AIRPLANE FASHION A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane on it spotted a young man staring at her. She asked him, ""Were you admiring my airplane?"" He replied, ""No, I was admiring the landing field.""

A Pastor, a Mountain hiker, and a Doctor are all on an airplane... When the pilot suddenly comes out and says, ""The engine's failing and there's only 3 parachutes!"" So he grabs a parachute and jumps out the door. The Pastor says, ""I believe God wants me to live,"" so he grabs a parachute and jumps out the door. Then the Mountain hiker starts laughing his ass off and the Doctor says, ""We're about to crash and there's only one parachute left, why are you laughing?!"" Then the Mountain hiker sa…

Hillary and Trump get into a helicoptor The helicopter takes off. After 20 mins into the flight there is a constant beeping noise and the pilot seems to be in a panick Pilot: *Shit, the helicopter is not able to take the weight. I'm unable to control it* Hillary: *What do we do now?* Pilot: *one person has to jump out* Hillary and Trump start fighting saying how important each was and started calling names...when suddenly Pilot: *Since you both are important, I have taken the decision to sacrifi…

Have you heard the one about the airplane? Never mind. It's over your head.

I had a friend who had a fear of flying. I told him that statistically, the modern airplane is more afraid of us than we are of it.

How can you tell if someone is a pilot? They'll just tell you.

A plane's pilot is dead and the plane is going to crash. There are 5 passengers and 4 parachutes. The first passenger is Barack Obama, who takes a parachute on the grounds of being ""the president of America"". The second passenger, Mohammed Ali, takes a parachute on the grounds of being ""a famous boxer"". The third passenger, Donald Trump, takes a parachute on the grounds of being ""the smartest man in the world!"" This leaves a little girl and an old lady. The girl wants the old lady to have …

An Asian guy, Hispanic guy, white guy, black guy and their pilot are on a plane... Suddenly the plane loses control and the pilot says, ""If three people jump off, the rest can survive. The Asian guy goes ""This is for my people"" and jumps off. The Hispanic guy goes ""This is for my people"" and jumps off. The black guy goes ""This is for my people"", and kicks the white guy off the plane.

A japanese man was shouting jokes to his airplane window. When he noticed he wasn't getting laughs he thought... hm... tough cloud

What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion? Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger

Happy Easter A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane., After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ""Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, ""Yes, that is still one of our laws."" The priest then asked, ""Have you ever eaten pork?"", To which the rabbi replied, ""Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."", The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A whi…

I was a pilot at 10 years old... It's true! My brother would chop it and I'd pile it.

What do we want?! AIRPLANE NOISES! When do we want them?! NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did Jesus run off the airplane? He didn't like the Pilate

Another best farting joke i've EVER heard.. There was a Mexican, a American and a Japanese pilot. They were taking turns flying over each of ther countries so they were flying over Kapan and the Japanese guy drops an apple on his country and the other two ask why he did that and he said ""Because I love my country!"" So they went on to Mexico and the Mexican drops an orange on his country so the other two asked why he did that and he said ""Because I love my country"" So they went on to America …

Why was the pilot dying? Because he had terminal cancer.

Temptations A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ""Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"" The rabbi responded, ""Yes, that is still one of our laws."" The priest then asked, ""But have you ever eaten pork?"" ""Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a ham sandwich."" The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up an…

Did you hear about the Stormtrooper who became a kamikaze pilot? He survived 99 missions.

A priest was in line to purchase airline tickets at an airport . . . When he approached the attendant, she said ""Father, I am often treated differently by men because of my big breasts. Men don't appreciate me as a person; all they see me for are my big breasts."" The priest responded, ""That is not true, you are a beautiful child of God. Now please give me two Picketts to Tittsburgh.""

The pilot comes over the PA system and say's. ""Folks, we are slowly losing altitude. We have thrown out all the luggage and everything we could now we are going to start with the passenger's in alphabetical order."" ""African American"" - ""African American"", any African American's? ""Blacks"" - ""Blacks"", any Black's? ""Coloreds"" - ""Coloreds"", any Colored's? A little black boy turns to his mother and ask, ""Mom, aren't we African American's?"" ""Aren't we Black?"" ""Aren't we Colored?"" H…

Three famous footballers are on a plane... Three famous footballers are on a plane and all of a sudden it crashes on a desert island. All three players survive but all the crew but the pilot's bodies are irretrievable. They decide to cannibalise the pilots body to survive, the first players says, ""I support Manchester so i will eat the chest."" the next player says ""I support Liverpool so i will eat the liver."" the Final player says ""I support Arsenal but i'm not hungry""

You Can't Teach an Old Dog to Fly A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. ""Sure,"" I said, ""as long as you provide your own kennel."" I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: ""I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!""

I need an airplane joke And I need it right neeeeeeoooow.