#airplane

Two Christians crash an airplane in the middle east... and landed in the desert. Miraculously, they both survived with minor injuries, so they sent off a signal flare and began rationing their emergency supplies. The food was eaten by the end of the first week, and the water lasted until the end of the second. But they continued weathering the hot days and cool nights, never for one second giving up hope. Almost three weeks passed, and they saw a caravan of jeeps over the horizon. They turned to…

A man asked his friend, a mathematician, if he would go on an airplane trip with him. The mathematician responded that he didn't go on airplane trips because the probability that there could be a bomb on the plane was too high for his comfort. The man bid the mathematician farewell and left by himself. Not three months later, the man was at an airport when he met the mathematician again. When he asked what made him change his mind, the mathematician responded, ""The probability of a bomb being o…

Airplanes and Black people The president the first lady and Oprah are all riding in a plane. They were discussing who could make the most people happy. Michelle Obama said ""I can toss down a dollar and make a person happy."" Oprah scoffed and said, ""I can throw down ten dollars and make ten people happy."" Barack Obama laughs and says ""I can throw down 100 dollars and make 100 people happy."" The pilot turns around and says, ""I can throw 3 black people out the window and make everybody happy…

The Obamas are on Air Force One Natasha and Malia Ann say they have a delightful plan. They want to throw five $20 bills out the window and make five people happy. Michelle pipes up and says ""You guys are thinking too small, we need to throw ten $10 bills out of the window and make ten people happy"". Barack pipes up and says ""You guys are STILL thinking too small. We need to throw one hundred $1 bills out of the window and make one hundred people happy"". The pilot turns around and says ""You…

What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? DAM! (airplane stewardess told me and had me on ground laughing)

What do you call a black guy that flies a plane? Pilot

I wanted to be a pilot in the air force But they said I didn't have the right altitude.

An American pilot lands his first cross-Atlantic flight in Berlin... An American pilot lands his first cross-Atlantic flight in Berlin, Germany. After accidentally taking a wrong turn when exiting runway, an angry air traffic controller yells, ""Nincompoop! Have you never been here before?"" To which the pilot calmly replies, ""I've was here twice in 1942 ...but it was at night ...and I did not land."" Note: This is actually a true event.

One afternoon, a Cessna landed at Area 51 the US Airforce high security ""secret"" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded & the pilot was interrogated. The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost & spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot & held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost & wasn't a spy. Th…

Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread. (my wife tells this joke to everyone and no one but me has ever laughed)

I turned my phone on ""Airplane Mode"" and threw it into the air. Worst transformer ever.

I heard some guy tell two horrible Malaysian Airline jokes The first one got no response, and the second one was shot down in flames.

Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, a priest, and a hippie are on a plane together when suddenly it starts going down. There are only four parachutes but the pilot takes one and jumps out. Michael Jordan says ""I'm the greatest basketball player ever, I should get to live."" He grabs one and jumps out. Bill Gates says, ""I'm the smartest man in the world, I should live."" He grabs a pack and jumps out. The priest turns to the hippie and says, ""Son, I've lived my life. You take the last parachute and I'…

Why did the airplane no longer work? Because it was **terminal**ly ill. I'll show myself out.

Tearful Bride A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, ""Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."" ""Now, now,"" her mother comforted, ""I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."" ""No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"" ""Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!"" says her mom. ""Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."" ""No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airpl…

What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes? A 'pilot"" you effing racist!!

Another blonde joke to top off the list. An airplane is flying through the air across the Atlantic when the pilot realizes that there are five women holding on to the wings; four blondes and a brunette. The pilot proceeds to yell at the women and says that the plane can only land if there are two women holding on to each wing. Understanding that a someone would have to let go, the brunette releases her grip on the left wing in order to save the blondes and everyone on the airplane. Amazed by the…

wanna feel like a woman As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, ""If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.""She removes all her clothing and asks, ""Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?""A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, ""Here, iron this!"".

Jet engine is down... A man is sitting with his wife on a plane flight to Jamaica. About halfway through the flight, over the middle of the ocean, the plane suffers a jolt and the flight attendant comes on the loudspeaker a few moments later. ""Our apologies for the disturbance, but a bird has flown into our back left engine and destroyed it. We still have three working engines, but our flight will be delayed by about an hour, due to decreased speed. Again, we're sorry for the inconvenience."" T…

I am creating a new airline called 'The Wife'... Crash proof... It will never go down.

John Fogerty buys a first class plane ticket... ...as he's boarding the plane the flight attendant tells him that they are overbooked for first class and all of the seats are already taken. Not wanting to take a later flight, he tells the flight attendant ""Just put me in coach""

Are you a pilot? Because I'd like a trip straight to Djibouti.

For some reason, Spanish-speaking visitors to Britain think we worship flight attendants... I suppose it's understandable given that our national airline is called British Heroes.

An chinese man, African man, and American man are stranded in the desert... ... they've been lost for days and are running low on water. They only have 1 bottle left. They talk amongst themselves and realize that if they share it they will all surely die. So they decide to have a jumping contest to decide who can have it. That way at least one of them has a chance of surviving. The Chinese man goes first. He jumps and hits a a tree. Upset, he says ""I could have jumped higher if I didn't hit tha…

Plane trouble The pilot comes over the PA system and say's. ""Folks, we are slowly losing altitude. We have thrown out all the luggage and everything we could now we are going to start with the passenger's in alphabetical order."" ""African American"" - ""African American"", any African American's? ""Blacks"" - ""Blacks"", any Black's? ""Coloreds"" - ""Coloreds"", any Colored's? A little black boy turns to his mother and ask, ""Mom, aren't we African American's?"" ""Aren't we Black?"" ""Aren't w…