#airplane

A pilot is coming in for a nighttime landing... He decides to mess around so he turns off his lights and says to the tower: ""Guess who?"" The tower replies by turning off the runway landing lights and says: ""Guess where?"" (from my old flight instructor) :)

3 terrorists on a plane one with a knife, another with a gun and the last with a bomb. The plane was about to crash so the pilot says we need to shed weight fast, you all need to chuck your luggage out. They comply. The plane stabilises and they land safely. The guy that chucked the knife out the plane returns home and sees his mother sobbing. When he asks why she said ""some madman chucked a knife from a plane and it landed on your father and killed him as he whent to the toilet, I didn't get a…

Distress at 18,000 feet An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. Moments later the tower land line rang which was answered by one of the employees. A passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone he yelled ""Mayday, mayday!! The pilot has had an instant and fatal heart attack. I have grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. ""I am f…

Engine failure A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing. After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies ""Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards""

Why did the plane crash Because the pilot was a loaf of bread

Airplane Trouble The pilot of a transatlantic flight going to Ethiopia comes on the speaker system announcing that there was a malfunction and weight needed to be lost in order to make the flight. The pilot then proceeded to announce that he would be dumping all luggage and cargo to lose weight. After a few minutes the pilot comes back on the PA announcing that unfortunately the weight lost was not enough and the people would have to be thrown off the flight in order for the others to make it. T…

A Pilots Story Once upon a time a pilot asked a beautiful princess, ""Will you marry me"" The princess said, ""No""! And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew fighters all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged, big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Belgian beer and forty year old single malt scotch and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and …

What do you call a black person flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!

A man was preparing for his first solo flight over the wilds of Alaska..... And during the pre-flight check, he pulled out the emergency kit and opened it. Inside he found just a single deck of cards and nothing else. Turning to the old grizzled flying vet, he asks ""Hey bud, sorry to seem concerned but why does the emergency kit only contain a deck of cards?"" The vet laugh heartily at the question. He answers ""That's all you'll ever need here in the wild!"" Confused and growing concerned, the…

A fighter pilot was shot down over France during WWII... A fighter pilot is shot down over France during WWII and is captured by the Germans. He's injured, so they have to amputate his leg. ""Hey, next time you guys are bombing England, can you drop it over my base?"" So they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg, and he makes the same request. The *next* week they have to cut off his arm, but this time he's denied. ""Nein! Zis ve cannot do anymore!"" ""Why not?"" ""Because ve …

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist bastard. What else would it be? (Courtesy of ""True Detective"" screenplay writers)

Why did the plane crash??? The pilot was a load of bread!

What sort of aircraft does the Asian pilot who loves to greet people fly? A herrocopter

One of my favorite jokes as a kid 3 men are being flown in an old-fashioned airplane with no windows. They're all enjoying the aerial view of the city when one of the guys finishes an apple, and throws the core off of the plane. The second guy follows his example, finishes his banana, and throws the peel off the plane. The third guy, isn't eating anything, but unbeknownst to the pilot and other passengers, is carrying a bomb to blow up the plane. He starts the countdown sequence, but it slips ou…

How does ISIS turn on their water heater? They light the pilot on fire.

A Real Woman A flight going from Canada to Germany, suddenly had it's engine fail.The Pilot, realizing they wouldn't be able to survive the impact, told everyone to brace themselves for the upcoming crash. A woman stood up, and said ""I'm not gonna die like this, afraid and crouching. Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?"" There was a long silence, then a man stood up, unbuttoned his shirt, then unbuckled his belt. He quickly pulled off his pants and shirt, t…

A group of young Italian investors bought a majority stake in Alitalia... It will now be called Generazzione Italia, but they only have enough money to put 3 letters on their planes. The airline is now called GenItalia...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as ""Area 51?"" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their ""secret"" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI backgroun…

Woman's last wish before she dies As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, ""If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."" She removes all her clothing and asks, ""Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, ""Here, iron this!"".

Pilot episode You know how you can tell if a shows going to be any good based on the pilot, since it sets the tempo for the entire show? I just realized that my dad didn't like the pilot of my life...

Do you know why I have airplane-mode turned on on my phone all the time? 'Cause I'm so fly

Paratrooper... A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to tell his father the news. 'So, did you jump?' asked the father. ""Well, let me tell you what happened,"" the son said. ""We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men go…

How do you call a black man flying a plane ? A pilot.

Blonde flying to Houston, TX A blonde hops on a flight to Houston, TX. She sees first class sits down and thinks, ""I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am."" So the flight is about to take off and the flight attendant comes by and asks for the ladies ticket. ""Mam, your ticket is for coach. You need to go back to your seat because this is first class seating."" The blonde replies. ""I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am."" Puzzled the flight attendant goe…

A man sits next to a beautiful professional looking woman on an airplane. Lol i just got it pretty funny :-)