#airplane

A passenger plane starts losing altitude..... A passenger plane starts losing altitude so the pilot decides to dump the cargo afterwards their still losing altitude so he goes on the intercom and says ""we're still losing altitude and need to throw off some passengers to save the rest so to be fair we will do this in alphabetical order"" he then proceeds to say ""ok are their any African Americans"" no one raises their hand ""ok are their any Black People"" no one raises their hand ""ok are thei…

A plane runs into trouble midair.... There are three passengers, an American, a Brit, and a Chinese man. The flight attendant hands out parachutes but has trouble convincing the three to jump. The captain runs out of patience and shoves the attendant out the door with her own parachute. A few moments later, she sees the three passengers jumping out from above. Once on the ground, she asks the captain what he did to convince the three. He said, ""Easy. I told the American it was an adventure and …

a female passenger jumps up as an airplane is about to crash... As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, ""If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."" She removes all her clothing and asks, ""Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, ""Here, iron this!"".

Everyone at this party is talking like a pilot.. ...they all keep saying they have to take off in the morning.

What do you call in-flight pilot training? Air conditioning.

Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: ""What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?"" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: ""Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?"" I responded that (as …

Never Mess with Kids A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. The man turned to him and said, ""Let's talk"". Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ? Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power? Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question... Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps. Why? Man: I don't know. Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don't know shit.. ?

I once tried starting a private airline business But it never took off

A Polish Joke: Translated A novice pilot was flying over the Pacific when he was overcome with terror, and called the stewardess into his cabin. \- Honey, in about 5 minutes we're going to crash and nothing I'm able to do to change the situation. Try, in a gentle way, to explain to the passengers. The flight attendant took it to heart and wandered to the passenger deck. \- Can I please have your attention, could I ask everybody to show me your passports? Thank you, and now can everybody raise th…

How long is the flight? A Polish man calls up an airline. ""How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"" ""One minute..."" ""Thank you."" *click*

A slightly translated Dutch joke This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English: A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living. The Dutchman proudly says ""I fok horses!"" (Fok == breed) Shocked, the Englishman exclaims ""Pardon?!?"" The Dutchman smiles and replies, ""Yes! Paarden!"" (Paarden == horses)

So, uh... How about that airplane food? Edit: I'm so sorry.

What do you call it when a helicopter pilot reflects on his life? HINDsight

Fed's Ex Girlfriend There was a middle aged guy named Fed, and he once had an amazing girlfriend. His girlfriend worked at a big time packaging company. Fed and his girlfriend used to hang out every second when they were free. But then something happened and Fed dumped his girlfriend in an airplane when on route to NY. Do you know why? Because he was Fed up. And from that day on, his girlfriend who worked at the packaging company was now called...........Fed Ex.

Have you heard the one about the airplane? It's way over your head.

In other news... An airplane crashed into a cemetery this morning. 400 bodies have already been found and the search continues.

Two hunters had just finished hunting moose in the middle of nowhere... They make it back to the small airport nearby, and argue with the pilot about flying home. ""There's no way my plane is gonna make it anywhere with that huge moose in it!"" says the pilot. ""We had this same argument last year with a pilot, and he flew us out of here."" says one of the hunters. The pilot mulled it over a little, and doubled his price, but agreed to take them on. Everything gets loaded up, and the pilot does …

Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a potato.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit making 'Airplane' refrences

Two Polish airplane pilots... Two Polish airplane pilots are in a plane getting ready to land. They put the plane in descent, lower their landing gear, and guarantee the runway is open. They hit the run way, slam on the breaks, but unfortunately the plane didn't stop in time and they crashed into the building. They're alright though. Buried under debris, waiting to be dug out one of the pilots says to the other, ""Hey that runaway wasn't very long was it?"" The other one says, ""Yeah but it was …

A car collector from New York finally gets the Datsun he's been looking for, Unfortunately it was missing a few key parts to get it up and running. He takes it to his mechanic. The mechanic says ""you need some specific gear parts here - these cogs over here, you'll need two of them. You can only get them from this specialty parts dealer, and he's in California. The man decides to make a trip of it and goes out west. He finds the dealer and decides to buy a whole case of the parts and give the e…

""I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."" During boarding, a first class passenger finds a blond sitting in his seat. After trying to explain she's in the wrong seat the blond just replies, ""I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."" A flight attendant is called over and asks to see the blondes ticket. ""Mam I'm sorry but your seat is in coach. You'll have to move."" The blond folds her arms and responds the same. ""I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York.…

What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you racist.

I put my phone on airplane mode and now I can't bloody find it

A blonde was on a jet... ...and midway through the flight, the pilot announced, ""Ladies and gentlemen, we've lost one of our engines. We can get along perfectly well with the other three, but we'll be arriving at our destination half an hour late."" Soon after he came on again: ""Ladies and gentlemen, a second engine has failed, but there's no cause for alarm. We will, however, be arriving one hour late."" A while later he announced: ""Ladies and gentlemen, the third engine is no longer working…