#airplane

VIRGIN GALACTIC THE SURVIVING PILOT OF THE VIRGIN GALACTIC PLANE SAID THAT THE CO PILOTS LAST WORDS WERE,'WHATS THIS BUTTON FOR?

A statistician is on an airplane... when one of the engines goes out. The pilot gets on the intercom and says ""don't worry folks, we've still got three engines, but its going to take us a bit longer to get to our destination. We're about 6 hours out now."" However, before long, another engine goes out. The pilot comes on again and says ""we've lost another engine, but we're still in the air, but we've slowed down a bit. It's going to take us 8 hours to get there now."" However, luck was not wit…

Ole & Sven Ole and Sven are looking for work. They go to the employment agency to see what there is to do. Ole went in first, and says he's a wood chopper. He comes out and tell Sven they might as well move along, because there is no work here. Sven says we already came here, what's the harm in having a look? He went in, and when they asked what he does, he says Pilot. He comes out the door, and tells Ole he got a job! Ole was furious, so he goes back in to see why they didn't hire him first…

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary u…

I tried to take a dump on an airplane. TSA was none too please when they had to clean out the tray

Two Polish airline pilots attempt to land a plane. They bring the bird down, but after a short ride the plane crashes into an empty hangar. One pilot goes: ""Damn was that a short runway."" The other one: ""Yeah, but it was wide though.""

I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her... >Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men? She responded with >Yes, but this time I decided not to pay

[Joke Prompt] My hotel shampoo 'flavors' are more exciting than the food served on the airline trip. I wish I were a funny man - I'm not - so I've got to throw this out there for you funny people to run with... Checked in to a Hilton Hotel last night, and noticed that the shampoo / conditioners sound better than most of the food offered on the airlines. * Honey & Coriander Shampoo * Basil & Mint Conditioner Got to be a joke in there - run with it.

German pilot.... (context: all pilots, no matter where in the world they live or are flying, must be able to speak english, it's the international aviation language.) A commercial pilot, formerly a WWII luftwaffe pilot says, in german - ""Flight 212, ready for takeoff."" The Berlin flight controller asks the pilot - ""Can you please speak in english?"" The pilot, furious, replies in english - ""Why?! I am a german pilot, on german soil, flying a german plane, speaking to a german air-traffic con…

A Policeman, Heart Surgeon, Lawyer, Grandfather and his Grandson are flying in on a plane... ...They hear this load bang, and then some alarms go off. ""Uh...This is your captain speaking. We seem to have taken damage to our engines and the plane is going down. Please grab a parachute and exit the plane immediately. Because this is not a ship, I don't plan on going down with it"" The passengers watch as the pilot jumps out of the plane. In a panic, they quickly scramble to the parachutes, only t…

the irish test pilot mick from Donegal was a test pilot during th second world war. He caused so many problems that the powers that be were relieved when they managed to get him sent to the far east to fight the japs. One day Micks ship was attacked by squadrons of zero's. Mick took off under heavy fire using superior flying skills he cleared the skies of the enemy. After performing a loop the loop and a victory roll he performed a perfect landing he swaggered up to the bridge and asked the capt…

The first rule of flight club is.. ..turn the airplane on. & you should probably learn how to read.

A man with a giant orange head walks into a bar. He lumbers over to the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The barkeep walks over and says, ""damn boy, what's wrong with your head?"" The man sighs and says, ""it all started when my plane went down in the Sahara desert."" ""My pilot suffered what I can only suspect was a brain aneurysm and I don't know how to fly, so our plane crashed right into a sand dune. Miraculously, I emerged unscathed. I wandered around the desert for what must've been thr…

A man gets on an airplane Phil gets on an airplane and starts looking for a seat. As he's walking toward the nearest window seat, he notices his friend Jack at the back of the plane. Phil waves his hand and says, ""Hi, Jack!"" Phil was arrested and detained for seven hours.

Last went to temple when I was 13. Still remember this ""joke."" A man jumps into the ocean and decides to put his life in God's hands. He is treading water for 45 mins when a tugboat comes by. The captain shouts to him, ""get in and we will take you to shore!"" The man calls back, ""no thanks, I'm waiting for God to save me."" The captain looks perplexed but drives away."" Next, a helicopter pilot spots the man and lowers down a ladder. He calls down, ""grab the ladder and we'll pull you up!"" …

How do we get rid of Ebola? Put all the infected on a Malaysian Airplane

If an airplane from West Africa was flying during the Northern Lights, and there was a sick passenger onboard... ...would it be Aurora Ebola-alis?

The in-flight movie is about to start. The flight attendant says, ""Excuse me, would you like some headphones?"" ""Well sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?""

My dad got fired recently for sleeping on the job. He didn't like being a pilot that much anyway.

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot you racists.

A woman is breastfeeding on the airplane when the air marshall approaches her. ""Ma'am, cover yourself immediately and prepare to be detained"" ""What are you saying!? I'm not doing anything wrong!"" ""You can't bring explosives on an airplane ma'am, and your breasts are dynamite!""

A russian, a german and an estonian are sitting on a plane. Suddenly the pilot announces that the plane is going to fall down unless everybody throws something off the plane. The russian throws his vodka saying ""we have enough of that in russia"", the german throws his beer saying ""we have enough of that in germany"". The estonian throws the russian saying ""we have enough of that in estonia.

A double standard. The same person who has to pay for 2 seats on an airplane will get ticketed for driving in the HOV lane by themselves. You can count as two people in the sky but only one in the fast lane. What a large injustice.

So the other day I tried to bring 2 dead raccoons on an airplane... but the lady at the desk told me a second carrion costs extra.

What do you call a black man who flies a plane ? A pilot, of course.