#airplane

A plane crashes on a desert island... A plane crashes on a desert island and only the pilot, the copilot and a hostess survive. After days of waiting for help, the pilot and the copilot talk to the hostess: ""You know... we are men, we have some needs... we are probably going to die and you are the only woman here... we could take turns if you agree"". The woman agrees. Unfortunately the hostess dies of starvation. Once again the pilot speaks: ""You know... we are both men, but we have needs... …

An airliner is flying over the ocean, carrying representatives from the United Nations. About halfway across, they realize they don't have enough fuel. The pilot says they need to drop some weight because a lighter plane uses less fuel. So they dump all the luggage. The plane is still too heavy. They dump all the seats. Still too heavy. With nothing left to dump, and a deadly crash inevitable, an Englishman yells, ""God save the Queen!"" and jumps to his death. The plane is still too heavy. A Fr…

What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction? Jet fuel can't melt steel beams

My Sister recently started dating a depressed German airline pilot She says his personality is really down to earth.

The best racist joke What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!

So this blonde is at an airport... So this blonde is at an airport and she needs a flight to New York from California. She goes up to the desk and asks if there are any tickets left. The flight attendant tells her that she is very sorry but they are all sold out. The blonde begs for any way of her to get there. The flight attendant says they have a helicopter and asks if the blonde can fly it. The blonde says yes and goes to the helicopter. She hops in and starts it up, and it goes higher and hi…

An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, ""Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."" The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, ""What would you want to talk about?"" "" Oh, I don't know,"" said the atheist. ""How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?"" as he smiled smugl…

What's the difference between god and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Air Traffic Control joke Two pilots were talking in a bar. One asked the other what is the worst air traffic controlling he had experienced. He told the following story....We were coming into Madrid it was socked in with heavy fog and the ILS (Instrument Landing System) was out so we were getting talked down by their radar controller. He tells me I am on course and to begin my approach. He tells me when I am left or right high or low all the way down to minimums then he says the runway is ahead …

My girlfriend gave me some scented candles So my girlfriend was going away for a couple months so she gave me some scented candles and said ""light these when you are thinking of me."" So every time I would jack off I would light a candle. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't do what I do without lighting one of the candles. Anyway the other day I went to the bathroom, lit a candle and started thinking of my girlfriend. Then the fire alarm went off and the flight attendant started ban…

I got a new German cell phone I put it on airplane mode. It locked me out and then crashed

Knock knock. Who's there? The pilot, let me in! Credit to: /u/Squidward_On_Drugs on an AskReddit thread, wanted to share with r/jokes

Jokes I made up! What's the difference between a black person and my laundry? I hang my laundry with care. Did you hear about the German pilot with erectile dysfunction? Yeah he can't keep anything up. You know what hit me when I saw a bus full of kids get hit by a car? The airbags. What's the worst thing about a black man getting beaten to death? The laundry bill. What's 12 inches and black? The man your father is having a affair with. Why are black people so viscous? Because animals don't know…

Why does the news keep telling people the pilot was depressed? Does any of this really matter...

Saw HBO were going to be making a new TV show set in an airport... They had to cancel it though as the pilot didn't take off.

Knock knock... The pilot, let me in!!!!

Knock Knock.. Who's there? Knock Knock.. Who's there? Knock Knock.. Who's there? Open the door! I'm the pilot.

Another plane was going down.. ...On board were Henry Kissinger, a priest and a hippie. The pilot comes back to the passenger area and says ""This plane is going down , there are three parachutes, and I'm taking one!"" and jumps out of the door. Henry Kissinger says ""I am ze smartest man in ze world und I need to live,"" grabs a parachute and jumps out. The priest says to the hippie, ""My son, I have lived a long life and am one with God, please take the last parachute that you may live."" The …

THe newiest Knock Knock joke I heard. - Knock Knock - Who's there? - First pilot. hopefully not too soon

Andreas Lubitz. Is the first German pilot to record 150 kills in 70 years.

What do you call a Muslim on a plane. The pilot, you racist bitch.

Babies on an airplane... People always tell me that having babies on an airplane is the worst thing in the world. - But I am quick to tell them, ""Now that is just not true. I can think of four instances, right off the top of my head, in which having a baby on an airplane was awesome."" - Incidentally, all of those occurences were on 9/11.

Germanwings 'Knock Knock' joke. *Knock Knock* Who's there? *A Germanwings pilot* A Germanwings pilot who? **LUBITZ, LET ME IN GODDAMNIT, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH THE PLANE!!**

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, ""I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."" The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats ""I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first …

Pls genius There were 5 people remaining in a burning airplane. However, there were only 4 parachutes. One guy proclaimed that he's the smartest thing that ever hid this planet, grabbed a parachute, and jumped out. A woman said she was pregnant, so she took a parachute and jumped. An older man said that seeing as he was the CEO of a very successful company, many lives were depending on him, so he took another chute, and jumped. This left an old man and a teenager. The old man launched into a spe…