#santa

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

SANTA: I don't need a surveillance guy. I see all! ELF ON SHELF: Seen these? [shows pics of Mommy kissing Santa Claus] S: When can u start

*holds flashlight under chin Me: suddenly the mystery of... Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins *drops flashlight Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name... [Neighbor to mom] hi Susan! *kid faints*

14 years ago tonight, a loaf of frozen reindeer shit fell from the sky & struck my father, killing him instantly.

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.

just saw a church sign that says, "santa claus never died for anyone." and i'm like, "okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse."

i love working at the post office at the north pole and ripping up white children's letters to santa claus

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning? GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN'T REAL: what

"I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.

I'm already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

if you're in Mecca itself you have to pray while spinning around in circles like a compass at the North Pole

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter. Mom's kind of a slut.

Help free the reindeer from sleighvery.

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then he put a black rubber ball in her mouth with a strap around her head I'm just telling you what I saw

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we're all white.

Santa Claus uses foreign elves to make his toys. It's time to bring those jobs back to America. Huge tariffs coming to the North Pole!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday

Someone just told me "if you don't believe in Santa Claus, he'll never visit!" So on that note, I no longer believe in cancer.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs

If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like "He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car."

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then I saw her arguing with him about money. Now I see Santa drinking by himself.