#santa

"I love the north pole and hate the south pole!, wait I love the south pole and hate the north pole!" ~ a bi-polar bear

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

What's the difference between Santa Claus & Michael Jackson? one comes when children dream & the other dreams of children coming*.

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus are in a car. The car goes out of control and crashes into the side of a building, only one survives, who is it? The Perfect woman survived because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real. Still, just goes to show that even the perfect woman can't drive.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it is always down the chimney.

Santa's Reindeer According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY wom…

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.

What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'merry Christmas'? They are both santa clauses.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ""I think it's raining,"" he said to his wife. ""No, that felt more like snow to me,"" she replied. ""No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."" Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. ""Let's not fight about i…

What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people? An icebreaker

A man and his wife are walking through St. Petersburg, USSR They feel a slight precipitation. ""Must be rain"" the man says. ""No, it's snow."" says his wife. After arguing about the precipitation, the man decides to ask a third party. They stop a patrolling policeman, Officer Rudolph. ""Excuse me Officer Rudolph, is this rain or snow?"" the man asks ""It is rain, comrade."" Officer Rudolph answers. The man turns to his wife and says ""See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.""

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. ""I think it's raining,"" he says to his wife. ""No, that feels like snow to me, dear,"" she replies. Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them. ""Let's not fight about it,"" the man says. ""Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."" ""It's raining, of course"" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on. But the woman insists, ""I know that felt like snow."" To which th…

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

Why Don't Santa Claus and Misses Claus have children? Because Santa only comes once a year and when he does its down the chimney.

Santa is stressed... Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week. But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree just for him. Santa answered the door to find the angel in front of him. Smiling the angel said to Santa ""I found this tree to brighten up your Christmas, now where would you like me to…

What's the best part of Christmas for Santa Clause? He knows where all the naughty girls live #*( )*

What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands? Canta Plaus. Source: https://youtu.be/44aiB0vB36Y

Santa claus may only come once a year... But when he does he does it, on Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!

What do call someone who takes care of reindeer and really enjoys it? A Jolly Rancher.

What did the annoyed husband tell his wife after she saw elk falling from the sky? *Sigh* That's not elk... That's just reindeer.

Dad, is Santa real? There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has a…

A Health and Safety Christmas Message Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before…

Santa Claus said that he would give me a present this year... ...But he made out with my mom instead!

9-1-1 Parody of ""Jingle Bells"" Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis Over the hills we go, crashing into trees! The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead, I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh! 9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead! Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh! Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life, But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

"" He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake... , "" Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.