#santa

Santa's rain meter Santa proudly showed Mrs. Claus his new rain meter. Mrs. Claus noticed he had labeled it with a name. ""Santa, why did you name the rain meter 'Rudolph the Red'?"" Santa smiled and replied ""Because Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.""

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? With Santa it is only three hoes and he's done.

Why we put an angel on top of the Christmas tree: Santa was having a rough Christmas Eve. His elves were on strike. Several reindeer ran away. Mrs. Claus was being bitchier than normal. And, he had to work all night. Without any help, he wrapped up the presents, put them in the sack, and loaded up the sleigh. As he was taking off, the sack got caught on the garage and ripped open. Presents spilled everywhere. While he was picking everything up, an angel showed up. This beautiful, cheery heavenly…

A couple is walking... A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. ""I think it's raining,"" says the man. ""No, it's snowing,"" replies the woman. ""How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!"" exclaims the man. ""Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"" ""Definitely raining,"" Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. ""See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.""

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and your doorbell ringing at 3am? It's your dad.

Santa probably regrets giving coal Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at 3 ho's

What is the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? The Jews go up the chimney.

These need to be written. Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes? A: A piiig. Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh? A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Barrack Obama, Bernie Sanders, and Santa Claus are standing on a cliff, this cliff is overlooking an urban area in America. Obama and Sanders open their wallets, ready to help the people bellow, while Santa opens his sack. ""I want to make ten people happy"" Obama announces, as he throws $10,000 off of the cliff. Sanders replies: ""I will make one hundred people happy"", and he throws $100,000 off of the cliff. It is now Saint Nick's turn to play. Good old Santa Claus looks around at the people …

The U.S. instituted a new law after a man dressed as Santa committed a felony. It was called the Santa Clause.

What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D

Santa Clause for Halloween. Axe Murderer for Christmas.

Two Brothers In Grandmas House Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, ""Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike."" His older brother said, ""Why are you shouting? God is not deaf."" ""I know,"" said his brother, ""but Grandma is.""

What's does Santa Clause and my wife have in common? They both come once every year.

How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents ...

Santa Claus and a blonde... One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said ""Santa, will you stay with me?"", Santa replied, ""Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."" So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked ""Santa, now will you stay with me?"" ""Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."" She takes off everything and say…

A couple walked home on Christmas Eve in Soviet Russia when the weather turned bad The wife said, ""it's snowing!"" ""No dear, it's raining,"" replied the husband. They argued this as they walked until they came across a guard. After learning his name they asked, ""Comrade Rudolph, is this snow or rain?"" ""It's rain,"" he replied. ""See,"" said the husband, ""Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!""

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator? Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

A man and women are walking together in Soviet era Russia... when all of a sudden, the woman feels something wet on her head. She looks up and then turns to the man and says ""Honey I think it's snowing"". Looking slightly confused, the man replies ""No darling, it is obviously raining"". The woman does not believe him and they begin to argue. Trying to avoid further conflict, the man says ""Let's get someone to help us settle this"". They look around and finally see a large man who is obviously…

I remember as a child lying in bed and waiting for Santa Claus to come. And how afterwards it would be so silent and awkward as he got dressed to leave.

What's the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus? Santa goes down the chimney

The Angel Atop The Tree Tradition One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax. When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He …

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh. A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain

A chicken egg at the north pole begins to hatch. The penguins gather around to see, and as the chick starts to come out it starts making a noise ""hooo.., hooo..., hooo..."" a penguin says, your a chicken not an owl! The chick finally comes out and says ""HOOOO....LLY SHIT ITS COLD! ""