#santa

I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the north pole and wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

Interested in seeing the ""North Pole""? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, ""Please send me a sister."" Santa Clause wrote him back, ""Ok, send me your mother.""

Q: What is the best time to eat reindeer meat? A: When you're hungry.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards crack…

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ""I think it's raining,"" he said to his wife. ""No, that felt more like snow to me,"" she replied. ""No, I'm sure it was just rain"" he said. We, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. ""Let's not fight about it,"" the husband said, ""let's ask Comrade Rudolph whe…

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to w…

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ... PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why…

An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow.They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it issnowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they seeGeneral Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute.The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing,his wife tells him, ""Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.""

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are 3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roast…

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another o…

Little Johnny & the Devil A Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, ""Do you believe in the Devil?"" ""No,"" said Little Johnny. ""It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy.""

You don't see many reindeer in zoos do you? No. They can't afford the admission.

There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said ""It looks like a storm is coming."" ""No it isn't"" said his wife. ""Besides how would you know?"" ""Because"" he responded ""Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.""

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ? This one will sleigh you !

Why is a reindeer like a gossip ? Because they are both tail bearers !

What has antlers pulls Father Christmas' sleigh and is made of cement? I don't know. A reindeer! What about the cement? I just threw that in to make it hard.

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah!

How would you get four reindeer in a car? Two in the front and two in the back! And how do you get four polar bears in a car? Take the reindeer out first

What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball? They're both brown except the snowball.