Me: My son totaled another car. Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons? M: yes P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA!

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"

Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up.