#new-york

A man goes to see a doctor. ''Doctor, I have a serious problem, you see... I'm impotent!'', to which the doctor asks with a suprised look, ''Well how do you know for sure that you're impotent?'' The man then explains, ''well you see, my great grandfather was impotent, my grandfather was impotent, and even my father was impotent!''... The doctor, with a surprised look on his face then asks the man, ''Well where did you come from then?'', to which he exclaims, ''Me? well I'm from New York!''

An Irishman is at JFK airport in New York He is standing over a broken whiskey bottle and crying. A security guard approaches him and asks what's wrong. The Irishman wipes away his tears and says, ""I LOST ALL ME LUGGAGE!""

Long Distance flight A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. …

First time at a ballgame A man living in Mexico gets a phonecall from his cousin living in New York. ""Hey Jose, I haven't seen you in a while, it would be great if you could come up here to New York. I have tickets for a Mets game, you would love it!"" Jose decided this would be fun, and takes a plane to New York. After a stay at his cousin's, they go out to the stadium, and after an exciting game exit again. ""So how was it? Did you like it?"" said Jose's cousin. ""Oh it was great!"" said Jose…

TIL that ""submarine"" sandwiches were coined in the US by Dominic Conti, an Italian immigrant who came to New York in the early 1900s. He is said to have named it after seeing the recovered 1901 submarine called Fenian Ram in the Paterson Museum of New Jersey in 1928. Whoops, wrong sub

We were talking about the New York escapees last night and my mom asked me ""If you were to sleep with a baseball bat, where would you put it?"" As a male, the only place I could think of was up my anus.

Cancer An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, ""I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that I have cancer and the doctor said I only have a month to live."" ""Pop, what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""I don't really have the strength to talk right now,"" the old man says. ""I'm too sick to talk right now, so you call your sister in Chicago and let her know."" and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ""OH MY GOD! Th…

IAMA convicted murderer who escaped last week from an upstate New York prison currently on the run somewhere in North America. AMA!

Oldie but good Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find outt hat she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming, ""How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what haveyou got to say…

Guy walks into a bar... So this Jewish guy walks into a bar in New York with a parrot on his shoulder. The Bartender goes where'd you get that? And the parrot says, ""in Brooklyn, they're everywhere.""

So this blonde is at an airport... So this blonde is at an airport and she needs a flight to New York from California. She goes up to the desk and asks if there are any tickets left. The flight attendant tells her that she is very sorry but they are all sold out. The blonde begs for any way of her to get there. The flight attendant says they have a helicopter and asks if the blonde can fly it. The blonde says yes and goes to the helicopter. She hops in and starts it up, and it goes higher and hi…

It's the Cinco de Mayo! It is a little known fact that since its inception, the state of Mexico has had a voracious appetite for the condiment mayonnaise. Indeed, this desire to have mayonnaise with all meals has influenced the very economy and national psyche. In 1858 the Mexican government struck a deal with the government of the United States to have a supply of mayonnaise delivered at once, at wholesale price, to last the entire country of Mexico for one year. It was to be delivered by ship …

Today is Cinco de Mayo For me Cinco de Mayo is truly a day to celebrate. Few people have come to know the ""true"" story of the origin of Cinco de Mayo. It is my pleasure to set the record straight. A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have…

Kardashian and Book Store Today, Kim Kardashian was at a Barnes & Noble in New York signing copies of her new book of selfies. Extra security was on hand just in case any real books tried to get too close to Kim Kardashian. By Conan O'Brien, May 05, 2015 [Source](http://teamcoco.com/jokes/may-5-2015-today-kim-kardashian-was-at-a-barnes-noble-in-new-york-signing-copies-of-her-new-book-of-selfies-extra-security-was-on-hand-just-in-case-any-real-books-tried-to-get-too-close-to-kim-kardashian)

Afterlife with MCA and Bon Scott [OC] Adam Yauch dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter exclaims, ""Ah, MCA! Since you were a musician, we'll team you up with another departed musician to show you around the place."" St. Peter decides that Bon Scott should be his tour guide and they head off to view heaven. They spend a lot of time walking throughout the different fantastical sights and Bon finally stops when they get to the bottom of a mountain range. ""This is my favorite spot"" Bon …

A Baseball Tale Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural .. a once-in-a-lifetime phenom whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curveball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His changeup made the best hitters in the league cry .. they would swing, drop t…

The First Jewish President' The year is 2016 and the United States has elected a woman, Susan Goldfarb, as the first Jewish president. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home then a limousine will pick you up…

A Buddhist monk was on the streets of New York and he stopped at a hotdog stand. The vendor asks, ""what would you like on it?"" to which he replied,""Make me one with everything"".

A businessman decides to go on vacation to NY !!! A businessman decides to go on vacation to NY but he wants to fly cheap. He goes to the airport and buys a ticket from brothers airlines, and halfway to New York the plane blows out an engine. The captain lets them know they can make on three engines then a second engine blows out. Again the captain says they can make it on two engines. Then a third engine blows and the man starts to panic. The captain comes on to say: ""*We are approaching new h…

There was a body of a man found in a manhole in New York. Authorities determined his death was a sewercide.

Three Guys Stranded on a Cannibal Island So one day, a boat carrying many people crash on a cannibal island. There are three survivors, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New York-er. They are told by the cannibals that the may kill themselves in any whey they like, and that their skins will be used for canoes. So the Englishman pulls out a gun, says, ""For my Queen!"", and shoots himself. The cannibals use his skin for a canoe. The Frenchman pulls out a bottle of poison-laced whiskey, says, ""Fo…

New York record days without homicide is a lie. Turns out the guy responsible for updating the homicide-toll has been found dead at his desk with a knife in his back.

Brian Williams . . . Veteran broadcast journalist Bob Simon died in a car wreck in New York Wednesday. Former broadcast journalist Brian Williams tried to pull him from the wreckage, but was pinned down by sniper fire . . .

My favorite Jewish joke in the history of the world. A young American computer expert read some books on the early Zionists who came to Israel and worked hard just to develop a bit of farm land. They gave of their sweat and toil so that there should be a fertile country for us. He was impressed with their unselfish toil and decided to immigrate to Israel and be a pioneer. He went to the Jewish Agency and applied to come on Aliyah. They asked him what he did and when they found out that he was a …

Emigrating to America Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in al…