#new-york

A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute hysterics. She is screaming and crying, until she stands up and shouts, ""Please! Before I die, I want someone in here to make me feel like a real WOMAN!"" A tall,…

A rich new york blonde goes to a bank to get a loan She talks to the man and asks for a $5000 loan while she goes on vacation. She puts up her rolls royce as collateral, which is clearly worth far more than $5000. A few weeks later she returns to said bank and asks what she owes. The bank teller says she owes $15 in interest on top of the $5000. After she pays it, he asks her why she put up such a valuable car for such a low sum. She replies, ""Well where else am I going to find parking in New Y…

Baby camel talking to daddy camel ""Dad, why have we got these humps?"" ""Well, my son, we are the ships of the desert, we fill them up with water and can walk for hundreds of miles across the desert wastes"" ""Dad, Why have we got big feet?"" ""Well son, we are kings of the desert, but the desert sand are soft and treacherous, and we need wide feet to avoid sinking as we labor across the dunes"" ""Dad, why have we got thick coats?"" ""Well, my son, it is bitterly cold at night in the deserts, a…

So I was telling a blonde about the teams playing the Superbowl this year I explained that the it's going to be the Giants vs. the Patriots. The blonde, seeming to be quick one, replies, ""So the Giants are New York, right?"" ""Correct!"" I say, getting my hopes up, ""And the Patriots are New England"" ""Oh,"" the blonde says, with a hint of confusion, ""I didn't know the NFL was international.""

It's a miracle! An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, ""Sir, have you been drinking?"" ""Just water,"" says the priest. The trooper says, ""Then why do I smell wine?"" The priest looks at the bottle and says, ""Good Lord! He's done it again!""

The time my grandpa went to Africa One day I was sitting with my grandpa watching TV. As it happened we were watching the Discovery channel when a show about Africa came on. ""Hmph, Africa... I've been there."" My grandpa said. ""Really?"" I asked, ""I never knew you went to Africa grandpa, when was this?"" ""Well,"" he said, ""when I went to Africa I was about your age. Eighteen. And back then they didn't have no jet airplanes that could get you there in ten hours. No siree!"" ""First, we got o…

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word within one minute. In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from New Zealand. They get the word ""Timbouktou"". The rabby is first. He starts: ""I was a rabby all my life, I loved my children and my wife, I read the bible through and through and I did it on my way to Timbouktou"". The audience is fascinated. Nobody belives that the farmer could top this. Now he starts:…

A Blonde And A Lawyer A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."" Again, she declines and tr…

New York Nun A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, ""Listen sister, I work hard for my money and …

Verne Troyer was pick-pocketed on a recent trip to New York. I can't believe someone would stoop that low.

My favorite blonde joke -Source: I don't remember where I first saw it, but when I googled it coolblondejokes.com got first result One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: ""Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."" The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. She got up on the car too and …

Yeee-haaa. A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and off they rode. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a ""Ye-e-e-e-h-a- a-a-a!!!"".... so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ""Ye-e-e-e-…

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them...

A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: ""You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: ""Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"". The man says: - ""But I am not a New Yorker!"" ""Oh ,then it will say in news…

The New York Post asked dozens of comedians working in America to pick the funniest jokes they've heard in the past year - and compiled a list of 50 of the best.

The Trump family is flying from New York to Washington Donald looks down on the cities below and says ""I think I'll throw a $100 bill out the window and make some American happy."" Melania says ""Oh honey, why not throw ten $10 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"" So then Ivanka says, ""Even better Daddy, throw 100 one dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy? To which the pilot says ""Why don't you all jump out the window and make the whole damn country happy?""

What do you call the baseball team made out of Pokemon? The New York Mankeys!

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did. Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: ""Who is it?"" ""It's Mark"" Jesus opens the door. ""What did you bring Mark?"" ""Marijuana from Colombia"" ""Very well son, come in."" A…

The greatest drummer in the world. In the summer of 1969, a mail sorter at a New York post office received a letter addressed ""To The Greatest Drummer in the World."" There was no address or return address and the sorter wasn't sure what to do. Fortunately, there was a former drummer who worked the front counter of the Post Office who promptly found Max Roach's address and forwarded the letter. Max Roach received the letter and said, ""Oh no, I'm not the greatest drummer in the world."" Max the…

A young blonde, leaving home for a one week visit to New York, was told by her mother to put on clean socks every day. By the end of the week she couldn't get her shoes on.

People keep telling me that I have a higher chance of getting mugged in London than in New York. Well, what do they expect, I don't live in New York.

Terror attack in New York Thousands of people scream as Mariah Carey bombs Time Square

Two Arabs boarded a flight from Washington to New York... One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ""I think I'll go up and get a Coke."" ""No problem,"" said the Israeli, ""Stay there, I'll get it for you."" While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it. Whe…

Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning And says ""I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"" After a pause Obama replies ""What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"" A dramatic silence prevails After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting ""shit I forgot about the time difference"".

Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat... ... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office. He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind him as he leaves. He begins walking down the street and soon turns down an a…