#new-york

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied ""Yes officer that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.""

What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York? Pigpockets.

Why did the pig send his story to New York? He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.

Some years ago Michael J. Flanagan a successful New York contractor was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow all decked out in deepest black was standing on the church steps after Mass receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it when an old friend of the contractor came up. ""I'm sorry Mary for your trouble"" offered the friend. ""Did Mike leave you well fixed?"" ""Oh he did!…

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks i…

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ""I think I'll go up and get a coke."" ""No problem"" said the Israeli. ""I'll get it for you."" While he was gone the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli re…

An American man a Russian man and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. ""Aaah!"" he said. ""We're right over my homeland."" ""How can you tell?"" asked the American. ""I can feel the cold air."" he replied. A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. ""Aah we're right over my homeland."" he said. ""How do you know that?"" asked the Russian. ""I can feel the heat of the desert.""…

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says ""I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."" ""Pop what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer"" the old man says ""We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her"" and he hangs up. Frantic the son calls his sister who explodes on the ph…

How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning? By opening the car door.

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: ""How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well what have you got to say???"" The…

A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last one man could stand it no longer. ""Hey kid"" he shouted. ""Why don't you go outside and play?""

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor and he says ""Sir have you been drinking?"" And the minister says ""Just water."" The sheriff says ""Then why do I smell wine?"" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says ""Good Lord He's done it again!""

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams loses control of the car nearly hits a bus drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab then the driver said ""Look friend don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a ""little tap"" could scare him so mu…

Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers ""Taxi!""

Passenger: Will this bus take me to New York? Driver: Which part? Passenger: All of me of course!

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket she told the blonde""I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat."" The blonde replied""Im blonde I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York."" The attendant said""That's fine miss but you'll have to go to your seat."" The blonde responded again ""I'm blonde I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York."" This conversation continued always with the blonde's same respon…

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway a…

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she made the remark ""I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."" The confused agent said ""I'm sorry we can't do that."" ""Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!""

An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight the pilot announced ""We have lost an engine but don't worry there are three left. However instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York."" A little later the pilot announced ""A second engine failed but we still have two left. However it will take 10 hours to get to New York."" Somewhat later the pilot again came on the intercom and announced ""A third engine had died. Never fear because the plane can fly …

A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked ""How long does it take to fly to Boston?"" The clerk said ""Just a minute..."" ""Thank you"" the man said and hung up.

""This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35000 feet midway across the Atlantic. ""If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. ""If you look out of the windows on the port side you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. ""If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean …

Why did Eve want to move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ""I think I'll go up and get a coke."" ""No problem"" said the Israeli. ""I'll get it for you."" While he was gone the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli r…

A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.

What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital? Albunny New York!