#new-york

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom ""Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293 non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"" Silence Then the captain came back on the intercom and said: ""Ladies and Gentlemen I an so sorry if I scared you earlier but while…

Bus passenger: I'd like a ticket to New York please. Ticket seller: By Buffalo? Bus passenger: Of course not I'm in the bus queue aren't I?

Paddy in New York Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume. The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'

A young woman in New York... ... was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he sli…

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

A Rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Confused, the bartender asks, "Where did you get that??" The parrot replied, "Oh him? New York."

I'm always Frank & Earnest With Women In Chicago I'm Frank in New York I'm Earnest

I came all the way from New York.... and boy are my hands tired

An Irish priest... An Irish priest was driving to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He asked, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," said the priest. The trooper asked, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looked at the bottle and exclaimed, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Wee Joe fae Glasgow... After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation. After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in. That afternoon Joe felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find himself face to face with the President. "I'd just like to say that your help here is greatly appreciated," Obama said. "Aye, na…

Family xmas problem solved An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, th…

A New York Blonde joke. A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president…

A programmer and an engineer A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, y…

Shipment of Viagra was stolen from new York harbor The cops are on the lookout for hardened criminals

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire... **An old couple gets pulled over and...** Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?" Old man - "ugh, what did she say?" Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear." **The old man hands it to the lady cop and...** Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had." Old man - "ugh, what did she say?" Old wife - "Nothing dear, …

One of my favorite hockey jokes On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers' jerseys aboard. One quickly …

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed... An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, and his family is gathered around him. He's too weak to lift his head or even open his eyes, but he can talk to his family. "Rachel, my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soulmate, the woman God created me to be with, are you here?" She replies "yes, my wonderful husband. I'm here, just like I swore I would be all those years ago at our wedding. I'm here." The old man smiles. "David, my eld…

So this redneck in New York is getting mugged... and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it. "Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?" "Oh no!" replied the redneck. "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"

An elderly man in Texas calls his son in New York... and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, w…

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animal…

Two Americans and a Russian on the same flight......... Two Americans boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York... One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.Just before take off a fat, little Russian guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Americans. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the American in the window seat said, "I think I'll goup and get a coke." "No problem," said the Russian, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, t…

A lady from New York and a Lady from Texas sitting on a plane in first class. The lady from Texas says "Where y'all from?" The lady from New York idignantly answers "I am from a place where we do not end a sentence in a preposition!" The lady from Texas smiles and says " Where y'all from bitch?"

A train company is hiring mining companies to dig a tunnel A train company wishes to dig a new high-speed train tube from London to New York and is taking proposals from various companies. To save time the chosen company will need to begin digging 2 tunnels simultaneously from the two exits and attempt to line it up perfectly into one finished tunnel. A representative from a German corporation comes to the train company to presents their proposal, "It will cost you 2 billion dollars and will t…

Zipper joke. (Heard this today from a nice women, so not mine obviously. Thought itd be good here. ) In New york the new buses have a pretty steep first ledge to get on them. A woman wearing a tight skirt tries to get on. She reaches her leg up but it is no good. So she reaches behind her to unzip her skirt down just a little. She tries again and still can't. So she unzips it even more down, but still isn't enough and unzips it down more again. Finally the man behind her picks her up by her…

So the pope coes to New York... and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the …