#george

The Last Kiss Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, ""Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"" She says tearfully, ""I'm going to commit suicide!!"" While he didn't want to appear …

George Michael walks into a bar... The barman says, ""George, you've got chocolate on your shirt!"". ""I know,"" replies George, ""It was a Careless Wispa.""

George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, ""But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, ""Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him whe…

The gentleman husband called home... ... and the butler picked up. Husband (H): Where is my lady? Give her the phone. Butler (B): Good Afternoon Sir, umm, well, she is in the bedroom with someone. H (Infuriated): What? What are they doing? Butler checked and informed him that they were kissing. H (Very infuriated): Listen, go to my study and open the third drawer of my desk. There is a gun and bullets there. Get them. Butler followed his directions and came back with the gun. H: Now load the gun…

George was lost and wandering in a desert, when he stumbled upon an oasis... The oasis was a Jewish man who was selling ties. The man holds up a rack of colourful ties and says, ""Hello, sir. May I interest you in purchasing a tie? They are normally ten dollars, but for you, sir, I will only charge five."" Having been wandering for days without a drop of water George promptly replies, ""No, I have no use for a tie, but please, sir, do you have any water? I have been wandering for days without a …

Another knee-slapper by my 8 year old brother. Which president likes doing laundry? George WASHING-A-TON. He's the 8 year old white Kevin Hart.

2 guys are playing golf... John tees off and makes it to the green. George steps up and sets a ball on the tee that looks unlike any ball John has ever seen so he asks, ""whoa, what kind of ball is that?"" ""Oh, this ball is great"" George replies, ""if you hit it in the water it floats, if you hit it in a sandtrap it blinks, and if u hit it in the rough, it beeps... its great, you can't lose it!"" ...""Wow, sounds awesome!"" John says, ""so where did you get it?""... George, getting ready to te…

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman... ... sitting in a bar. Englishman raises his glass of ale and says ""Here's to my son George. We named him George because he was born on St Georges Day"". The Scotsman raises his dram of whisky, ""Here's to my son Andrew, named as such because he was born on St Andrew's Day"". The Irishman raises his Guinness and exclaims ""Feck me what a coincidence - it's exactly the same for me and my son Pancake!""

George Bush sits in his office during the Iraq War. During a meeting with the cabinet, his aide walks up to him and says ""Mr. President, we've just received word that twelve Brazilian soldiers died yesterday in Iraq."" George puts his head in his hands and is visibly shaken by the news. He looks up at the shocked cabinet members and asks ""How many is a brazillion?""

Video request of a george bush library that was dedicated to him with only one book, the children's book he was reading when the 9/11 attacks happened Please make something comical, I know it's out of date but I still think it'd be funny

A couple of old guys sat at the bar... Ernest pops up with a comment ""George, when I was 20 years old and I had a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands!"" They sit in silence a few minutes, punctuated by the occasional sip. Ernest says ""When I was 35, I could bend it with one hand."" A few minutes later, he says ""Now I can bend it with one finger!"" Another few sips and he says ""George, how much stronger do you think I'm gonna get?""

I wish that Game of Thrones was on Twitter So George RR had to limit it to less than 140 characters.

3 Scientists, an Elephant and a Monkey Try to picture the monkey as curious george. 3 scientists were sitting around the lab getting drunk one day when one turned to the others and asked, ""What would happen if we put a giant cork up an elephants butt for a month?"" Well none of them knew for certain so they decided to try it out. They gathered an elephant and a giant cork together in a cage. The first scientist said, ""I'm not putting the cork up there."" The second scientist said, ""I'm not pu…

George and Martha, a retired couple from Texas are traveling across the United States in their big Cadilac. Martha has a headache and is lying in the back seat. She is also half deaf. They pull into a full service gas station and a young man comes running out to take care of them. Attendant: ""filler up for you sir?"" Geroge: ""yeah that would be great"" Martha : ""WHAT'D HE SAY GEORGE?"" George: ""HE SAID DO I WANT A FILL UP"" Martha: ""oh"" Attendant:""check your oil for ya?"" George: ""yeah, …

Watch what you eat The old lady put 6 cans of dog food on the supermarket conveyer belt, and began digging in her purse for her coupon. The cashier was the friendly sort, and struck up a conversation. ""So, what kind of dog do you have?"" ""Well,"" the old lady answered in a hushed tone, ""I don't really have a dog. With the price of meat these days, I've figured out that I can make some good, cheap casseroles using dog food. My husband doesn't seem to know the difference, so I'm saving a lot of…

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers... The engineer fumed, ""What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"" The doctor chimed in, ""I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"" The priest said, ""Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."" He said, ""Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"" The green-keeper replied, ""Oh, yes. That'…

The (Mostly) True Story of Two Musicians and a Summer in Boston Last summer, I went to Boston for a music program and met up with a bunch of awesome musicians, people from all over the world with all sorts of talents. My two roommates, for instance, were super chill guys. Sam was a saxophone player from Santa Barbara and George was a guitarist from Chicago. Super cool, like I said. Well, George got really envious of Sam for having a bunch of fans back in Santa Barbara, because apparently he was …

20 dollars in my pocket. One night, George went to the bar. He's having a good time, having some drinks, all is well. As the night goes on, George keeps drinking and ends up throwing up all over his shirt. ""Ah shit my wife's going to kill me! She's going to know i stayed out all night and got drunk! "" Bartender Bob says "" It's fine, just put a 20 in your shirt pocket and tell your wife some guy here threw up on you, gave you 20 dollars to get the shirt cleaned. "" "" Great idea!"" George excl…

George Washington was at a presidential dinner party... ...with his wife. They got separated and after awhile, George went looking for her. He saw Abraham Lincoln and asked if he'd seen her. Honest Abe hadn't, but promised to help George look. After a while, Abe saw George standing over with his wife. He went over to talk to them and said, ""Founder, eh?""

The death Symphony (x post from /r/feghoot) TL;DR monkey poo makes great pudding. In the mid 1950s the New York philharmonic was one of the best Symphony Orchestras in the world. And conducting was Major Jorge Fillmore. George Fillmore was a WWII vet who loved music, and found that conducting helped him keep his PTSD at a minimum (although PTSD had yet to be understood by the medical community, let alone given a name). The flow of the notes soothed his soul and the power of conducting such a lar…

George visits an isolated village As he walks down the street he sees three children playing. He is inspired by their happiness, approaches them and asks for their names. ""Sunflower"", says the freckle-faced girl. ""Sunflower?"", asks the man, ""Why would that be your name?"" - ""It is said that when I was born, a sunflower fell on my head!"" - ""Oh, I see."" He turns to the second child who has a very shiny face and asks him for his name. ""My name is dandelion."" - ""How come?"" - ""When I wa…

The Cheerio Story So everybody knows that there are 3 types of Cheerios in the world. There is the Blueberry Cheerio, the Strawberry Cheerio, and the Honeynut Cheerio. We also know, to date and mate, the Cheerios are limited to only Cheerios of their own kind, ie. Strawberry Cheerios must date and mate with only Strawberry Cheerios and so on and so forth. Our story starts with that of a young male Honeynut Cheerio, let's call him George. Now George is quite the smart guy who has graduated from t…

King George. One day George is going to be king, thats not bad going for some one who started at Asda.

This is a joke I heard back in 2000 George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, ""I want to go to Disneyland."" George said, ""No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One"". The second kid said, ""I want a new pair of…

John: ""My memory is bad..."" George: ""How bad is it?"" John: ""How bad is what?""