#george

George and Mildred It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: ""You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"" George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, ""Aye, Lass, but who would have us?""

Obama goes to hell Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. ""I'm not sure what to do."" says the Devil. ""You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go."" ""I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!"" Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agrees…

The Night Light A 90 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, ""George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"" George replies, ""God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."" ""Wow, that's incredible,"" the doctor says. A litt…

George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an ugly woman takes a seat next to him. She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder. The woman says to George: ""If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you."" George says: ""It must be a crocodile?"" She replies: ""Close enough""

Costume Party A man and his wife have been invited to a costume party for Halloween, however on the night of the event the wife says to her husband that she can't go because she feels ill and needs to lie down. The husband asks if she wants him to stay at home, but not wanting to ruin her husbands evening says she'll be fine at home. Soon after the man puts on his costume and leaves to go to the party. About an hour or so later the wife wakes up feeling much brighter, she decides to surprise her…

George Lucas, the creator of ""Star Wars,"" is 70 years old today. George didn't bother celebrating. He spent the day making unnecessary changes to all his earlier birthdays.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: H…

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Fur…

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Fin…

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there …

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, ""Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, ""Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."" ""Susan i…

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: ""George and the Dragon."" He knocked. The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. ""Could ye spare some victuals?"" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. ""No!"" she said rather sternly. ""Could I have a pint of ale?"" ""No!"" she said again. ""Could I at least sleep in your stable?"" ""No!"" By this time, she was fairly shouting. Th…

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. ""Billy, he says."" ""And what is your question, Billy?"" I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush infor…

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former ""loves"". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. George said, ""Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"" Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. ""She couldn't say 'yes'.""

A Mother's Quotes PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: ""I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"" MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: ""I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: ""After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: ""Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. Bu…

The Service The funeral was held way back in the country and the young minister got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place.... but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young minister felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense o…

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. ""I don't know what to do here, "" says the devil. "" You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you."" ""You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do."" ""I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves. George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil …

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ""Is someone in your house?"" He said ""No."" Then they said ""All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."" George s…

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse (a very long shot) won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a b…

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, ""George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"" George replied, ""God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (p…

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, ""George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"" George replied, ""God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)…

A pastor a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our cl…

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush ""There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"" George Bush replies ""Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"" Osama answers ""I can see New York with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side and everything is peaceful and wonderful."" George Bush says ""Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see …

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. ""I've been insulted"" she sobbed. ""Your mother insulted me."" ""My mother!"" he exclaimed. ""But she is a hundred miles away."" ""I know but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."" He looked stern ""I see but where does the insult come in?"" ""In the postscript"" she answered. ""It said: 'Dear Alice don't forget to give this letter to George.'""

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter Sam returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. ""Where's George?"" one of the men asked noticing that Sam had returned alone. ""He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him.""