#phillips

Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's. Thanks pumpkin!

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver me: *looking* dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you? me: It says "Craftsman" dad: me: Are you crying?

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said ""stop! don't do it!"" ""Why shouldn't I?"" he said. I said, ""Well, there's so much to live for!"" He said, ""Like what?"" I said, ""Well...are you religious or atheist?"" He said, ""Religious."" I said, ""Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"" He said, ""Christian."" I said, ""Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"" He said, ""Protestant."" I said, ""Me too! Are you episco…

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ""Is someone in your house?"" He said ""No, but some people are breaking into…

Phillip the pus-sucker (NSFW) It seems that there is this guy named Phillip the pus-sucker. He was a specialist. What he used to do was go to people who had really bad cases of boils, cysts, and all kinds of horrible skin infections, and suck the pus and other juices out of their boils, for money. One day he gets a call from a lady who says she has a really big boil up her ass that's really bothering her. She can't take a shit without terrible pains. It's worse than hemorrhoids. So he goes to th…

A little boy with a funny looking bellybutton A little boy was born with what appeared to be a golden Phillips head screw for a bellybutton. As he grew older, everyday he would pray to the Lord and plead that some day he would have a normal bellybutton like the other kids. One day, after an unusually long and teary prayer session, he looked up to see the clouds parting and a golden screwdriver descended from the heavens towards his belly and proceeded to remove the screw. Upon seeing that the sc…

Disappointment a woman, after a long search on the internet, found out that ""PHILLIPS 14 INCH"" was actually a T.V

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ""YEOWW! ELECTRIC HAND DR…

Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from ""USA Today"" archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00. Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our govern…

Dear Internal Revenue Service: Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing for (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400.) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029.) which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please ap…

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ""Is someone in your house?"" He said ""No."" Then they said ""All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."" George s…

I love playing chess with bald men in the park, but it's hard to find 32 of them. -Emo Phillips

A boy goes into a school for application... A boy goes into a school for application. Principal asks: What is your name? Boy: N-n-n-neil Ph-ph-ph-phillips. Principal: Are you a stutterer? Boy: No, sir. My dad was one and the registrar was a son of a bitch!

How to report a crime George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police disp…

How to get police to show up on time George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an office…

[Pickup Line] Are you a phillips or flathead?,"OP: Uh, I don't know why? YOU: I'm just trying to figure out how to screw you.

[Pickup Line] Are you a phillips or flathead? OP: Uh, I don't know, why? YOU: I'm just trying to figure out how to screw you.