#george

If George Raft's wife gave birth to twin Gorillas would they be the Apes of Raft?

George went fishing but at the end of the day he had not caught one fish. On the way back to camp he stopped at a fish store. 'I want to buy three trout' he said to the owner. 'But instead of putting them in a bag throw them to me.' 'Why should I do that?' the owner asked. 'So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!'

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. ""How are you Richard?"" asked George. ""I'm not feeling too good today I'm utterly exhausted"" replied Richard. ""I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."" ""I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired"" said George. Richard yawned and said ""Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night.""

Joan the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals publicly accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment and said nothing. Later that evening he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. ""George what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Set an honest and honorable example just as I did"" advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. ""Tom what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Cut taxes and reduce the size of government"" advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and s…

George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked 'can Albert come out to play?' 'No said the mother 'it's too cold.' 'Well then' said George ' can his football come out to play ?'

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning. ""Mr Graham sir White Hart Lane is on fire!"" ""The cups man! Save the cups!"" cries George. ""Uh the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet sir.""

A heroic biker . . . Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit suicide." While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity eith…

Adult book store Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand: "What is your name?" he asked. "George," the guy answered. "And why were you arrested?" the judge asked. "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered. The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one. "What's your name?" he asked. "George," the guy answered. "Why were you arres…

It's very rare that I laugh out loud when reading a joke, I had to share this... Last fall, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge…So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby….. whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?” She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!” While he…

Last Kiss Back in March, a group of Illinois bikers was riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and said: "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George als…

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers... A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers... The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with…

Einstein, Picasso and George W. Bush stand before the Pearly Gates Einstein, Picasso and Bush stand before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter gets out to greet them and says: "I'll let you in, but first you have to prove that you are who you say you are." Einstein: "That's easy. Could you give me a blackboard and some chalk, please?" St. Peter snaps his fingers, a blackboard and chalk appear, and Einstein writes a few formulas while explaining the theory of relativity. "I believe you, it really is…

A group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge. They stopped. George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?" She says "I'm going to commit suicide!" George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best g…

THE GOLFER'S 10 MINUTE The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up righ…

An old couple went to heaven After spending 60 years being married. When they reach the pearly gates, St George greets them and says, "Welcome! Let me show you what we have." The saint leads the couple to a massive golf course and a huge golf club, with premium equipment. "You'll never find anywhere better!" George said. Looking at this, the woman was overjoyed, but the man seemed slightly angry. Then the saint showed them an extremely long buffet table. "You can find any food in the w…

A Heartwarming Story One Sunday, George's wife went out to buy grocery and left him and their 3-year old daughter Bonnie at home. Bonnie was playing with her teacup party set while George was reading the morning paper. While reading, George felt a gentle tap on her knees. When he set down the newspaper, Bonnie was smiling up at him, while offering a cup of "tea", which was just water. Bonnie, in as cute a voice as 3-year olds have, said, "Have some tea, Daddy." "Certainly, dear," and George …

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's …

President's Day jokes Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? A. Because he couldn't lie. Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth? A. Presidentures! Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today? A. Really, really, really old! Abraham Lincoln made many humorous quotes and jokes in his lifetime: It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. Better to re…

George stops at red light... A beautiful blonde stops just beside him. George pull down his window. She also pull down her window. George smiles and asks with a grin on his face " you also farted?"

George Falls in Love One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with wome…

George and the Dragon A vagabond in 18th century England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" t…

A Pastor, a Doctor, and an Engineer... A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!" The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks. The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight sav…

A large group of Hells Angels were riding down the highway . . . . A friend of mine posted this on his fb page. I'm not sure who to properly attribute it to, but I thought it should go here. My hat's off to the author. Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge. They stopped. George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers…

George Bush was visiting the queen of England... when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?". The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple question, if you mother has a child and your father has a child, and it's not your brother or sister, then who is it?" Tony Blair thinks for a moment and responds…