#fridge

I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore... I'm moving the fridge to my room.

A man wakes up for work, and in the shower he hears a voice in his head "Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas" the voice says. The man is confused, but shrugs it off and assumes he just imagined it. He gets out of the shower and brushes his teeth. After he gets dressed, he heads into the kitchen to make a quick breakfast. As he's looking in the fridge, he hears the voice again, "Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas." This time around he's more than a little disconcerted, but still, …

A man dies and goes to heaven ...and when he gets to the pearly gates, St. Peter says "Come, good sir, tell me how you died, so I may deem whether you deserve to enter eternal paradise." The man replies "Alright, I'm not proud of it, but here goes. I lived in Washington, D.C. I had a beautiful wife, and lived on the seventh floor of a swanky high-rise apartment building. One day I get off of work early; just after lunch. I come home, and as I approach my appartment door, I hear sounds of fran…

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. [Long joke] A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo! " The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone. " The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the …

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be. The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down." "The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back." "The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday- Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves.

My favorite "pearly gates" joke. Three men arrive at the pearly gates, and, one at a time, St. Peter asks them to recount their deaths for him. The first man replies, "I just knew that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work to catch her in the act! I searched the apartment, and sure enough, there he was hanging from our balcony. I pried that bastards fingers loose, and watched him fall all 16 floors. He went through an awning, and survived the fall, so I picked up the mini …

The haunted bathroom An man talks with his wife after a long night of drinking. Man: "Honey, I think our house is haunted!" Wife: "Why do you say that?" Man: "Last night, I was going to the bathroom and when I opened the door, the lights suddenly and cold air blew right into me!" Wife: "You idiot! You pissed in the fridge again!"

Strange new trend at the office People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store. A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs. "How many?" he asks standing right next to her. She yells, "4!". He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.

A little girl asks her father how she got her name "well honey a rose petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you rose." his younger daughter runs up to him "and how did i get my name daddy?" "well honey a lily petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you lily." his son comes runnign up to him and yells "huuuuuuuuuuur flugerr dhuuuur" "shut up cinder block" Edit: apparently this joke was told a few da…

My collection of elephant jokes **Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?** A: Because they're *really* good at it **Q: Why should you never walk in the jungle between five and six?** A: Because that's when the elephants get out of the trees. **Q: Why are there pygmies in the jungle?** A: Because they walked through the jungle between five and six _____ **Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?** A: You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. **Q: How do you kill a purple elephant?**…

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in… Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are yo…

She left me a note, on the fridge... "It's not working anymore, I'm leaving you". I opened up the fridge and it is working. She left me for nothing, that idiot.

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

Three men who have just died arrive at the Pearly Gates... ...And are greeted by Saint Peter, who tells them "Welcome to Heaven. Before I can let you in, you each must tell me how you died." The first man approaches Saint Peter and begins to tell him his story. "I had good reason to think that my wife was cheating with me while I was at work, so today I came home early and went to my 50th floor apartment to confront her. She was surprised to see me, but she insisted that nobody else was ther…

There's 500 bricks in a plane. How many are there if you throw one out? "499" There are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator. What are they? Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge. There are four steps to putting a deer in the fridge. What are they? Open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the deer in, close the fridge. The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals are there but one. Why is that? The deer is in the fridge. A woman wants to…

I must be getting old... While reading a post about someone asking for "short clean jokes" this one came to my mind and I can't believe I remember it entirely after such a long time... I do not remember having read it here but if it's a repeat ~ I'm sorry... So here goes... _____________________________ **1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator ?** ***Correct Answer :*** Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. *This question tested whether you tend to do simpl…

A Woman Is Cooking Eggs In The Kitchen When Her Husband Comes Running In A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forget…

men A man comes home from work one day and is greeted by an empty house, he walks into the kitchen and sees a note on the fridge from his wife. It reads: "this isn't working, i'm leaving". He opens the fridge, the light come on, he opens a beer, it's cold... he pauses for a second and then says aloud: "I don't know what the bitch is talking about! it's working just fine!"

Leaving a Light On An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?" "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me." Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said. "I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she s…

There are 500 bricks on a plane... - There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? 499 - What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge - What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge - The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why? Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator. -…

The note I came home from the golf course today, and found a note my wife had left on the refrigerator. IT’S NOT WORKING. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. GONE TO STAY WITH MY SISTER I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the HELL is she talking about?

Why married guys are fat A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there; he goes to bed. A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there; he goes to the fridge.

A girl asks her father... A girl asks her father, "Why was I called violet?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a violet landed on your head." Another girl asks her father, "Why was I called Rose?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head." Another girl asks her dad, "Heyasdeasuadwxosj" And the dad replies, "Shut up fridge."