A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his annual physical. After awhile, the doctor came out and said: ""Mrs. Garcia, nurse is helping your husband with his clothes and would be out in a minute. As far as I can tell, he is in excellent health for his age. However, I am curious about something."" The woman said: ""Yes Doctor, what is it?"" The doctor said: ""During the examination, Mr. Garcia said he was pleased that the bathroom lights came

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ""T-square, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

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A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out ""Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."" ""I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had disc

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, ""Tsquare, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreads

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A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?'' And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He ca

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72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' Jerry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day

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Redneck Oneliners The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, ""Hey, y'all watch this!"" You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, ""Gentlemen,

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You might be a redneck if .... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings. You've ever re-used a paper plate. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. Your turkey platter is an old hub cap. Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them. Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. Your only condiment on the dining room table

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Notes To The Rural Milkman ""Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."" ""Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."" ""Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"" ""Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."" ""Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."" ""Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,

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A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. ""Hey buddy that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"" The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly ""Yes I have a phone."" The driver of the Yugo said ""Cool! Hey you also got a fridge in there too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"" The driver of the Rolls much annoyed says ""Yes I have a refrigerat

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A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him ""What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"" The Lawyer thought a moment then said ""A week ago I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."" Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said ""Well that's fine but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."" The Lawyer said ""Wait Wait! There's mor

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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day though so Peter had to tell the first one ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment I could tel

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A string of jokes I heard a while ago How do you get four elephants in a mini cooper? Two in the front, two in the back. How do you get four giraffes in a mini cooper? You can't because of all the elephants. How do you get two whales in a mini cooper? Same way you get to Wales in any other car, down the M4, over the Severn Bridge. How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter. How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge? You can hea

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What do you do all day? A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, Walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with

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