#putin

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears. Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: “Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us?” Stalin gives him the advice: “Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” asks Vladimir Putin. “I knew you wouldn’t have a problem with the first part,” chuckles Stalin.

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash. Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash. Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?" Man respond, "I check obituary" "But obituary not on front page. Is on back page" "Putin obituary be on front page"

Putin steps away from the war room to use the restroom... As he sits he hears alarms and red flashes fill the bunker. He hears his men running around and without hesitation he jumps up, pulls up his pants and runs our to see what the commotion is. He asks the next in command the situation: "ICBM Mr President!" Putin replies "I WAS IN A HURRY, I DIDNT WIPE!"

The Pope and Vladimir Putin are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd. The Russian president and His Holiness have seen it all before. So to make it a bit more interesting, Putin says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every communist in the crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted with wild cheering from the communists. “That was impressive,” says the Pope, “but did you know that, with just one little no…

Whats the difference between a skeleton with a bullet hole in its skull and Putin Time.

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot 5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat an entire bucket of cow shit before they can do anything else. Putin, having always secretly been jealous of America, chooses American Hell. His …

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack and falls into a coma... ... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard. He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appearance. After wandering around for a bit, he stumbles into the nearest bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a full glass of vodka. He sips…

Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning. “Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary. Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelenskyy." The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."

What did Zelensky reply to Putin when he called him to complain about the exploded bridge? “Crimea River!”

Putin asks Zelenskyi: 'When I'm dead, I bet you will come to urinate on my grave?" Zelenskyi: "Nah. Never been fond of waiting in line."

A Russian citizen goes out to the main square and exclaims "Putin is a crazy nazi bastard!" Sure enough, after a minute or two he is taken by a couple of officers. The men drag him to a police station. Once inside, the guy asks "What am I under arrest for?" The officer replies "Disclosure of state secrets."

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked: "How long will I live?" The psychic replied: "I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday." "Which holiday?" Putin asked. "Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance. All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself: "That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!" The secretary thought to herself that she had better report to Putin right away what she had just heard. Upon hearing out what the secretary had to say, P…

Some Russian anti-war jokes 1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts. 2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics." 3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they tell us, "if you like Russia, go to the trenches." 4. We gave Putin our freedoms in exchange for prosperity and security. Now we have neither freedom, nor prosperity, nor security. …

Vladimir Putin visits a school... He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, why do you look so depressed?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "Feels sad to know that my father is screwing my mother in front of the whole world".

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly. Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. "What happened to you?" asked Putin. "Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, hi…

A young boy, a doctor, and an old man were on an airplane with Putin. Suddenly, the pilot runs in and cries, "The plane is going down and we only have 4 parachutes but 5 people," as he runs to the back. The pilot then takes a parachute and jumps out of the aircraft. Immediately, Putin grabs the nearest parachute, says, "I have a war I must win," and hops off the plane. The doctor then said, “I save lives every day and the world needs me,” He proceeds to take a parachute and jumps out. The…

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!" The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the g…

Putin dies and goes to hell After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior. So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender: -Is Crimea ours? -Yes, it is. -And the Donbas? -Also ours. -And Kyiv? -We got that too. Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks: -Thanks, how much do I owe you? -5 euros

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours…. He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily. Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”

Putin met with Zalenskyy and said "After I die, I bet you'll piss on my grave" And Zalenskyy said "No, after I got out of the army I promised myself I would never wait in a line again"

Vladimir Putin visits a school... He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".

Vladimir Putin Visits a School One Day And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world. At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says: “Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions” Putin: “go ahead” Sasha: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? And why haven’t we won the war yet?” At that moment the bell rang and everyone went to lunch. At the end of lunch the Q&A continued and another kid…

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common? They all attacked a comedian