#putin

What do you call a hoarse Putin? Rasputin

Told by the driver of the bus we were on Driver: so you hear president obama is in the hospital right? Us: no we didnt Driver: he cant stop putin

Obama called Putin, but Putin put his phone on the auto-answer mode... Obama called Putin, Putin put his phone on the auto-answer mode: The auto-answer text is: ""Hello, you're calling the president of Russia, Putin. Unfortunately I'm not able to answer you now. If you want to surrender, click on: 1. If you want to threaten me with new sanctions, click on: 2. If you want to discuss the situation in Ukraine, click on: 3. All buttons except the button 1,2 and 3, activate our intercontinental rocke…

Obama, Putin and Merkel are walking along the beach... ...when Putin starts bragging ""My submarines are better than yours, and my men are better trained. They can stay under water for months!"" Obama doesn't seem impressed. ""Even if that were true, US Naval Intelligence knows where every ship in the world is at every moment. You are no threat to us."" Suddenly, a submarine emerges from the water, a hatch opens, a man gets out and shouts over: ""Heil Hitler! Can anybody tell me where to get mor…

Soviet dating advice Stop stalin, do not russian to things, putin an effort

Two Cigarette Thoughts If the Russian President is feeling a little bit overwhelmed by life, does that mean he's ""Putin on the Fritz""? If you are renting a Kraken, but your contract runs out, do you need to re-lease the Kraken? Whenever I worry about robots taking over the world, I use a hand dryer. If commitophobes held support group meetings, would they even bother going? If the son of Jango Fett sold work-out regimes, would he be selling the Fett Fit Fast diet?

Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit. Customs Officer: ""Name?"" Putin: ""Vladimir Putin."" Customs Officer: ""Nationality?"" Putin: ""Russian."" Customs Officer: ""Occupation?"" Putin: ""No, just visiting.""

While at work ""You must love putin"" ""Why?"" ""Because your a rushin!""

What did people call Putin after he lost an arm? Amputin

Great Russian Joke What's the difference between a shark and Vladimir Putin? The shark kills to eat, while Putin kills to ""AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!"" ""Thump"" ...silence...

What's the Russian President's favorite song? ""Putin on the Ritz!"" I'll be here all week guys.

Ukraine What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea? I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller. Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost. Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty. Putin: Rubles?!? Fortuneteller: No, PLN.

Putin wake up! A few days ago, Putin's aids were having trouble getting him out of bed: ""Putin wake up! Wake up! You'll be late for your meeting"" Putin mumbles... Another aid says""Putin you must get up now to prepare yourself! "" Still no response from him... ""Putin wake up"" says another aid, ""someone's killed nemtsov!"" Putin suddenly bolts out of bed, ""shit! It's 10:30 already???""

Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school? He was Russian.

Thousands of Russians in Moscow chant ""Russia without Putin!"" Thousands of Canadians Horrified

How do the Russian people feel about their government? They're Putin up with it.

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers? Putin on the Ritz~

Dentist sign reads ""KGB Dentistry"" The sign continued, ""We are Putin in your filling.""

Putin, Medvedev, and a few other members of the cabinet and parliament walk into a restaurant... They get seated, and the waiter asks Putin: What would you like to eat, sir? I'll have some meat. And how about the vegetables, sir? The vegetables will also have some meat.

'Ukraine's crisis has been caused by the west.' - Putin

A Russian walks into an Ukrainian bar... And farts. The Russian says, ""I'm sorry for Putin.""

Putin denies Russian naval exercises in Finnish waters, claims that sonar readings ""were misinterpreted"". Whoops, wrong sub.

Do you know what he was be for he was Putin ? he was Stalin.

Putin and Obama are put in ice for 10 years... Putin and Obama are put in ice for 10 years. When they wake up, they are given to morning newspaper. Suddenly Putin starts laughing like hell. Obama asks that what is so funny. Putin shows the front page which reads ""Communism in USA"". Then Obama opens the paper and starts laughing even more. Putin asks that what can be more funny than communism in USA. Obama shows the front page: ""Restless activities on Europe - China border.