#putin

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing... After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered. ""How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?"" Asked Obama. ""They don't bite you at all!"" Putin smiled knowingly and replied: ""They're not allowed to"".

""Of course I have a mandate!"" Donald Trumpler shrieked at reporters. ""Master Putin is picking me up tonight for dinner and dancing.""

Putin lands at Helsinki airport... ...and the immigration officer says ""Name?"". ""Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin"". ""Address?"" ""Kremlin, Moscow, Russia"". ""Occupation?"" ""No, this time just visiting"". Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines. All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing. Obama begins by saying ""American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"" Putin laughs and tell them ""Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."" Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts ""Heil Hitler! We need fuel!""

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin make phone calls George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished th…

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency... ""Our largest condom factory has exploded,"" the Russian President cried. ""My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"" ""Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help"" said Putin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"" ""Why certainly! I'll get right on it…

Two Friends, An American and a Russian... There were two friends, an American and a Russian. The American was jobless and hungry. But he had an idea: he went to the gates of the White House, sat on the ground outside and began eating hay. Obama saw him there and asked: 'What are you eating hay for?' 'Because I'm hungry and I haven't a job.' Obama was outraged and ordered that he be fed and given some money. 'What else would you like?' 'A ticket to Russia to visit my friend.' Obama made the arran…

Why is Russia such a gassy country? Because their leader has been Putin for a long time.

Bernie Sanders and Obama are sitting at a table playing some euchre against Putin and Hitler... Hillary Clinton walks up and says, ""Oh fun! Me and Bill have next game. What's Trump?"" Bernie replies ""A Biggot.""d Obama snickers ""A Racist."" Putin scuffles ""A Puppet."" Hitler smiles and says ""A Visionary.""

I just published a satirical critique of the Russian government and Putin hasn't sent anyone to kill me yet. I'm radiating with joy.

What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship? Vloody Putin

The Soviet Cycle of Procrastination First, you are Putin down your work. Then, you are Stalin for time. Finally, you are Russian to finish.

bear hug Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: ""Ivan, jump!"" Sobbing, Ivan says: ""Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home..."" Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it's Kim Jong Il's tur…

North Korea Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: ""Ivan, jump!"" Sobbing, Ivan says: ""Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home..."" Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it's Kim Jong Il's …

What do you call a happy Russian? Gladimir Putin!

Trump's first 30 days in office Day 1: ISIS surrenders, admitting America is just too great now to fight Day 2 Global warming stops Day 3: Mexico volunteers to build the wall using illegal Mexican refugee child as labor Day 4: Solves Israeli Palestinian conflict by moving Palestinian to Indian reservations Day 5: Replaces Obamacare with a terrific new system Day 6: Announce unemployment is now 0% Day 7: Rest Day 8: Has meeting with God to discuss the whole Muslin issue Day 9: Announced the last …

Russian jokes Why Russians take Americans to space flights? It is necessary that at the time of landing at least someone would be sober. *** In Soviet times, Ded Moroz* fetched the bad behaved children list to Stalin. * Russian Santa Claus *** At the initiative of Russian parents in children's economic game Monopoly added bribe.* * Bribe is a common way to solve problems in Russia. *** Grandson makes soundproofing. Nearby stands his grandfather. Grandson: I wonder if 2 inches of insulation en…

The leader of China is growing restless so he tries to find a country that wants to fight his army, so he called Sweden... The leader of china calls Obama and says: ""Hey man, we havn't had a good fight in a while, how about we see who has the best army?"" To which Obama said: ""Look pal, you know me, we never say no to a big show down but we have so much on our plate right now. The election, the syrian crysis, superbowl...how about you come back in a couple of years? Or better yet, call Russia!…

Vladimir Putin is dressing up in a taco costume... I guess you could say he was Putin' on the Ritz.

What did Putin say after listening to the West whine about the invasion of Ukraine Crimea river baby

turkey went out of the frying pan and into the fire only for Putin to put them in the oven

How many Vladimir Putins' does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they didn't Putin enough effort. Just a play on his last name, nothing more.

Conference between Putin, Merkel, and Poroshenko Merkel: Mr. Putin, what do you have to say about Russia's involvement in eastern Ukraine? Putin: Donetsk me! Poroshenko: Oh Kiev me a break, we know you guys are shelling our towns and killing our soldiers and civilians? Do I look like a Donbass? Putin: Blah, blah, blah, blah, Crimea river!

I have seen the end of the world at an Ohio Trump rally I have seen the beginning of the end of the world, it was televised live in Columbus, Ohio. The man who insults everyone and everything, the biggest narcissist in the western world, Trump, responded to a compliment by the biggest narcissist in the eastern world, Putin, and praised him and said they would ""get along very well."" Best of all, Trump is being genuine, he said: ""Nobody has proven that he's killed anyone... It's never been prov…

Why is Russia the gassiest country? Because their leader is Putin.