#russia

[CIA] -We need you to kill the leader of Russia. "I'll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!" -Alright! Who invited PunMan?!

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian. Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them: Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism. Jimmy Carter said ""you know, in our country we have prote…

Slightly more modern Russian joke Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, ""My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the morning?"" The worker thinks and says, ""Well... I suppose so."" Putin frowns because that wasn't the answer he was expecting, but presses on: ""Do you think you could …

A condom joke (xpost from todayilearned) ""Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: ""Our largest condom factory has exploded,"" the Russian President cried. ""My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"" ""Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help"" said Putin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over…

In Russia, you don't vote for Putin... Putin votes FOR you.

Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train.. Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask ""what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!"" To which Castro responds, ""in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country th…

In mother Russia... How much woodchuck would a wood chuck if a wood could chuck woodchuck?

If WW1 was a bar fight...... If World War One was a bar Fight... Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria'…

Why is it so difficult for Trump supporters to find a job? Because Russia banned LinkedIn

My gassy dog might be the leader of Russia... ...because she is always Putin.

NASA spent 1.5mil on a pen that works in space. Russia putin a pencil.

Donald, Vladimir and Angela find a Genie Lamp.... The Genie pops out and offers each of them a wish. Donald says he wants a 200' high concrete wall all the way around the U.S. to protect it from immigrants and drugs. Vladimir hears this and says he will have the same thing...a giant wall to defend Russia from the capitalist pigs. Angela says ""Fill them both with water"".

If there's one good thing about the election of Trump, it's the greatly lowered odds of being attacked by Russia. After all, they're not going to key their own car.

How come the NSA whistleblower can't leave Russia? Because he is snowed in.

In America, Trump unseats black, male president. In Russia, president sits on Trump blackmail!

Someone told me Trump is in bed with Russia. And that someone is Putin it in.

An architect was exploring Asia When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied ""Soviet Russia"". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site. He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a bomb and is almost at the peak of his discovery. He panics, it he remembered how to disarm the bomb. He does what he was told to when he learned it before. He sighs a sigh o…

Living in Russia... Living in Russia in the winter, you're already snowden.

Why did Russia close all of its airports? The planes were stalin.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kathleen Wynn, all die and go to hell.(Ontario Joke) While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Tr…

Hero of the Soviet Union [[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. ""Hero of the Soviet Union"" was the highest distinction awarded. ]] A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything. ""I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union"", he says. A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.

Do you know why russians always rush B? Because they already Russia.

If I could have any superpower in the world It would have to be Cold War era Russia.

Anyone hear what Russia is eating for Christmas? Turkey... Too soon?

If Russia tried to take Turkey from behind... ... do you think Greece would help ?