#first-woman

First Woman In Space Female Astronaut: ""Houston, we have a problem"" Ground Control: ""What"" Female Astronaut: ""Never Mind"" Ground Control: ""Whats the Problem"" Female Astronaut: ""Nothing"" Ground Control: ""Please Tell Us"" Female Astronaut: ""Im Fine""

Three women are sitting discussing what contraception they use with their boyfriends. ""We always use condoms"" said the first woman. ""I always use contraceptive pills"" said the second. ""I just crush their balls between two bricks"" said the third woman. ""Doesn't that hurt?"" asked the other women. ""Maybe"" she said ""but only if you get your fingers caught in between"".

Young Miss Cadence is teaching calculus and asks Johnny: 'Johnny, 3 crows are sitting on the roof of the barn. You get your gun and shoot one down. How many crows are left on the roof?' After a long contemplation Johnny answers: ""None, Miss Cadence."" Miss Cadence looks surprised and asks him to try again. ""I'm sure it's none. You shoot one down and the other crows fly again"" Young Miss Cadence giggles and comments : ""No, Johnny.. It's two. But I like the way you think"" ""I've got a questio…

So, two old ladies are outside on a bench smoking... ...when it begins to rain. The first old woman flicks her cigarette away, knowing it's going to be put out. The second of the old ladies reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, cuts the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette. The first woman asks ""What on earth is that?"" ""Oh, it's a condom, they're designed to protect your cigarette from the rain,"" the second replies. Now the next day, the lady who tossed her cig went down to the drug…

Two Belfast women are walking down the street... when the first woman say to her friend: ""Jesus, them soldiers look stupid wearing camouflage uniforms and face paint in the city"" Her friend turns to her and says: ""What soldiers?""

The first woman on the moon: - Houston, we have a problem - What is it? - It doesn't matter, it's nothing - What is the problem? - Nothing! - Please, state your problem. - You know too damn well, what the problem is!""

3 Nuns die in a car crash... ...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ""Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."" The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions. ""Sister Anne,"" he …

Three southern woman sitting in the hair salon talking about the pet names for their men. First woman says ""I call my man Southern Comfort, cos he's a big man and he keeps me warm all night in bed"" Second woman's says ""I call my man Budweiser cos his name is Buddy and he's the wisest man I ever met"" Third women says ""I call my man Drambuie, cos he is one hell of a fancy licker""

That's Fabulous! Two women run into each other in the mall one day. Old friends, having not seen each other for almost 10 years, they proceed to catch up. ""My husband is running a very successful business,"" says the first woman, ""he just paid cash for a new Mercedes!"" ""That's fabulous!"" replies her friend. ""I know! And the twins are so talented. They just landed the lead roles in the regional theatre's production of *Guys and Dolls.* "" ""Absolutely fabulous!"" replies the friend. ""Yes! …

Southern Charm Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, ""When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."" The lady from the South commented, ""Well, bless your hea…

Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: ""There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"" Little Johnny raises his hand and says, ""There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;"" to which the teacher replies ""No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think."" …

A teacher asks her young students a question.. A teacher asks her young students a problem solving question. She says, ""Ok students, there are 6 birds sitting on a fence. If you shot at 4 of them how many would be left?"" Timmy raises his hand and says ""None. The sound of the shot would have scared them all away."" The teacher replies, ""the answer I was looking for was 2, but I like the way you're thinking."" Timmy says ""ok now I have a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eati…

Ronald Reagan was a funny guy... Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend. ""Poor Mollie,"" said the first woman, looking down at the body, ""she had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died, and she married Johnny, who was even worse, giving her seven more children and not a penny of support. He was drunk all the time until he died, too. And now Mollie is gone, w…

The San Antonio Spurs have made history by becoming the first team in the NBA to hire a female assistant coach. She is the first woman to get that close to that many NBA players without being a Kardashian.

First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, ""When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."" The lady from the South commented, ""Well, isn't that precious?"" The first wom…

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said ""It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman. ""No,"" said the rabbi. ""It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. ""Wait,"" Said the engineer ""The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engin…

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : ""My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : ""I know..."" First Woman : ""How?"" Second Woman : ""My dog told me.""

A blonde was listening to Two men at a party talking about the recent space program. not wanting to be left out the blonde pipes up and says "" I'd like to be the first woman to land on the sun"" The one fellow asks ""don't you mean the moon?"" The blonde replys ""theres already been a man on the moon, I'd like to be the first woman to land on the sun."" The other fellow asks in a puzzled tone ""don't you think you'd burn up before you got there?"" The blonde replys ""DUUUUUUAAH, I'd go at night…

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman, the brunette, walked over to the man and said ""Have you ever had a hug?"" The man said ""No."", so she gave him a hug and walked on. Next, the redhead went to him and asked ""Have you ever had a kiss?"" The man said ""No."", so she gave him a kiss and walked on. Last, the blonde came to him and said ""Have you ever been sc…

Men vs. Women Women A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to unders…

Two women get on an elevator. The first woman reeks of perfume and the second says, ""What's that perfume?"" The first responds, ""Chanel #5, $99.00 a bottle."" The elevator stops on the fourth floor and another woman boards reeking of perfume. The second woman sniffs the air and the third woman says, ""Paradise $149.00 a bottle."" The elevator stops on the sixth floor and the second woman moves to the front to exit, lifts her skirt and farts. She says as she exits, ""Baked Beans - 49 cents a ca…

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.She said no, and the executioner shouted: ""... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, ""EARTHQUAKE!"". Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: ""...…

Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know Sir. Teacher: Come on Fred it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.