#first-child

My first child will be named New Folder.

[turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

PRO TIP: Name your first child "butter", then accidentally take a different baby home just so you can say "I can't believe it's not butter!"

Everyone should have that "tester" first twitter account to screw up and learn from... You know, kinda like that first child you have.

I wrote a short joke: any opinions/critiques/ complaints would be helpful >Why did the asian couple divorce after having their first child? > >Two Wongs don't make a white. If you think it's funny, let me know. If you think it's shite, let me know!

Woman in labor A man is sitting with his wife in the hospital while she is in labor with his first child. While in labor, he hears her screaming, ""Don't! Won't! Couldn't! Can't! Didn't!"" The man then asks the doctor, ""Why is she screaming those words?"". The doctor then replied, ""She's having her contractions"".

It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year. To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, ""I went on a choo-choo train ride."" ""No,"" the teacher says, ""you went on a train ride."" The second child says ""I went on a tug-tug boat ride."" ""No,"" the teacher says, ""you went on a boat ride."" The third child says, full of pride, ""I read a book."" ""Which one?"" asks the teacher…

So my sister is pregnant with her first child. I'm so happy to finally be a father!

It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. The fat bastard can live elsewhere now.

The woman of my dreams 40 years ago, I asked the woman of my dreams out on a first date. 35 years ago, I asked her to marry me. 30 years ago, I asked if she would do me the honor of bearing our first child. 5 years ago, I asked her to hold my hand during her chemotherapy treatments. And last night, on her deathbed as she suffered and clung to life with the help of a machine, I asked with tears in my eyes if she wanted me to pull her plug and say goodbye one more time. But the stubborn bitch said…

Mohammed goes to school.... The children were returning to class after playtime. The first child into class was Jack. ''Jack,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?'' ''I was playing in the sandpit,'' replied Jack. ''How fun! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you can have a cookie!'' Jack successfully spelled 'sand' on the board and was given a cookie. Sally was the next child into class. ''Sally,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?'' ''I played in the sandpit,…

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the hospital. You see, inside was his dear wife, about to give birth to their first child. The Chicken was, of course, rather excited. ""I'm about to become a Dad!"" he thought to himself, racing down the white, squeaky corridors of the hospital. He burst into the maternity ward's waiting room where he found his wife, hunched over and crying on one of the seats. A nearby Doctor was next to her, looking forlornly at her. ""H-Honey? What's wrong, what …

""My wife is pregnant"" A man spoke frantically into the phone ""My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"" ""Is this her first child?"" the doctor asked. ""No, you idiot!"" the man shouted. ""This is her husband!""

Witnessed the birth of my cousin's first child... She said we should've used a condom

A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!' The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?' He replies, 'No! This is her husband!

Strangely Named There were once three children, whose names were rather unfortunate The first child was named ""none of your business"" The Second child was named ""Manners"" The third child was named ""Trouble"" Trouble was lost, so none of your business and manners went to the local police station for help, manners was terrified of the popo, so none of your business went in alone. A policeman was waiting near the entrance. Policeman: Hello, what's your name None of your business: None of your …

So i had my first child... * Me: Oh my god! what are you doing?? * Doctor: What? im suppose to slap her in the ass after the birth, no? * Me: You suppose to slap the baby!!

I went to see the Christmas play at my local elementary school the other day And the scene where the 3 Wise Men bring gifts to Baby Jesus was approaching. The second graders walked to center stage one after another, faced Baby Jesus, and placed their gifts on the ground one at a time. ""I bring you gold"" the first child said ""I bring you myrrh"" the second child said ""Frank sent this"" the last child said.

Doctor and rabbit Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too. Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years? Do you smoke? No. Do you eat too much? No. Do you go to bed late? No. Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No. Then why would you want to live more than 100 years? Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood. Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name's day Your Holiness! - Pope: But tod…

Router-stiltskin I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

Cemetery help. My wife & I recently bought a house. To get pretty much anywhere, the main road from our neighborhood goes through a giant cemetery. Now, a week before we bought the house, - on Thanksgiving morning - my wife gave birth to our first child - a boy (side note, I wouldn't recommend having a baby & buying a house in the same week if you value your sanity). Every time we're in the car together and drive through the cemetery, I now feel the awesome responsibility of fatherhood a…

for all the fathers A guy just had his first child so he sat down and told his father, his father was pleased and said ""OK, its time i give this to you"" he gives him a book with the title 1001 dad jokes. the son said ""i am honored"" and the father said ""hi honored i am dad""

A teacher asked her class.. The meaning of control. The first child says ""a plane has control panels!"" The teacher says: ""That's nice, sit down. "" The second child stands up and says ""I can control the tv channel!"" The teacher says ""that's correct, sit down"" the third child says ""my dad pushed my gran down the stairs, then said: Look at that old *cuntroll*""

A Woman And Her Hundred Kids There was this woman, who had a hundred children (probably from mexico or something). Now, this woman had no imagination, so she simply named them after the order they were born. The first child was named ""1"", the second ""2"" and so on. Unfortunately, the woman and her children got into a terrible accident, (again, probably something to do with mexico) leaving everybody dead, except for 90. The years pass and 90 grows older, having two children of her own. One day…

A Chinese couple is having their first child. A Chinese couple is at the hospital as their fist child is about to be born, and the husband it out in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the man he is now a father, so the man rushes inside to see his child. When he gets into the room, he looks at the child and asks his wife if she has been cheating on him. His wife loudly exclaims ""Of course not! How on earth could you possibly think that I've been unfaithful?"" ""Because, my dear, t…