#oclock

A young man was interning at a hospital His friend called in to see him but he wasn't around. A passing nurse stopped and asked if she could help the man. ""Yes, I'm looking for my friend, Michael. Is he around?"" ""Can you describe him?"" the nurse asks. After the friend describes him, the nurse replies uneasily. ""Oh yes him. I'm a little nervous about him actually"" ""Oh really, and why is that?"" asks the friend. ""Well, yesterday I told him to give Mr Johnson his medicine. 2 tablets at 1 o'…

A day in the office I work in this office and there are some strange charecters here, for example we have this penny pinching boss who is so strict he keeps a password on the thermostat, locked at 55 degrees. Luckily, we are on good terms so I am the only person who knows the password, 0451 if you want to know. Sometimes he changes it like for the New Years he sets it as the year, or Christmas time when he changes it to the date, but it's late fall right now so there he has it set as the regular…

Did you guys here about the kidnapping earlier today?! He woke up at about 1 o'clock.

How Daylight Savings Time Came to Pass -or- The Origin of Seasonal Depression Back in the days before time, the townspeople were concerned with what they called, The Dying of the Light. It seemed that each passing day, night absorbed more of the light, and the days grew progressively colder. Fearful that the Nightman was punishing them, they congregated in the town square to seek the wisdom of the elders. ""Hey guys, didja notice that it seems each passing day, night absorbs more of the light, a…

In the United States they say ""It's ten o'clock, do you know where your child is?""... In France they say ""It's ten o'clock, do you know where your spouse is?"" And in Poland they say ""It's ten o'clock, do you know what time it is?""

Late for breakfast The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. ""I assume,"" she snarled, ""that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"" ""There is,"" he replied. ""Breakfast.""

A Couple Went on a Cruise... A couple had been dating for a while, and the man loved the woman very much. He decided he wanted to propose, so he purchased an expensive ring, booked a spectacular cruise, and told his girlfriend to meet him at the fanciest restaurant on the boat at seven. He got there a bit early--around six o'clock--to prepare. The entrance to the restaurant was across from the railing of the boat, and he looked out into the sea and pondered this huge event. He took out the ring …

An Irishman's first blow job [slightly nsfw] A middle aged Irishman walks up to a bar before noon and asks for six shots of whiskey. Concerned, the bartender asks, ""Uhm. Is this all for you? I don't see any friends with you. It's awful early."" The Irishman nods and smiles. ""Yes yes. Only me."" The bartender places his hands on the counter. ""Are you going to space these out? I know you're Irish, but I'm not gonna toss you six shots unless it's some sort of special occasion. At this rate you'l…

Reading the four Yorkshiremen sketch is like reading the comments section in reddit, one big running gag of one-upmanship. The Players: Michael Palin - First Yorkshireman; Graham Chapman - Second Yorkshireman; Terry Jones - Third Yorkshireman; Eric Idle - Fourth Yorkshireman; The Scene: Four well-dressed men are sitting together at a vacation resort. 'Farewell to Thee' is played in the background on Hawaiian guitar. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Aye, very passable, that, very passable bit of risotto. SECO…

A four hour flight... An airplane took of from Gander, Newfoundland heading for Toronto, a four hour flight. After about twenty minutes in the air there was an announcement on the P.A. system: ""Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. We have just lost power on our number one engine, but there is no reason to be alarmed. This is a modern three engine transport jet and we can fly safely with two engines. However, due to the loss of power, our 9:00 o'clock arrival time has been set back to 10:3…

A doctor has a regular routine... Of visiting his local pub precisely at 5 o'clock daily. Every day the bartender prepares for his arrival by having his hazelnut daiquiri made and waiting for him. One day, the bartender goes to prepare the drink when he discovers he is all out of hazelnut. He quickly decides to use hickory hoping the doctor would not notice. The doctor comes in at 5 o'clock and taking a seat, draws a sip from the drink waiting for him. He immediately spits it out exclaiming, ""T…

Two men get into an elevator in a doctors office. One man, beaming says to the other, ""I just got a brand new hearing aid. It works great; if you were to drop a pin, I could hear it; if a mouse were to sneeze cross the street, I would hear it."" The second man replies ""thats impressive, what kind is it?"" The first man looks down at his watch and says ""11 o'clock.""

A man goes to a barbershop... Asks the barber, what time do you close today? Barber says 4:30 and the man walks off. Man comes in the next day asks what time the barber closes shop, barber says 5 o'clock and the man walks off. This goes on for some time and one day the barber sends an apprentice to follow the man. The apprentice gets back. Barber asks ""well who is this guy where does he walk off to every time"" apprentice says ""your place""

Old maid's burglar A story I'll tell of a burglar bold Who started to rob a house; He opened the window, and then crept in As quiet as a mouse. He looked around for a place to hide, 'Till the folks were all asleep, Then said he, ""With their money I'll take a quiet sneak."" So under the bed the burglar crept; He crept up close to the wall; He didn't know it was an old maid's room Or he wouldn't have had the gall. He thought of the money that he would steal, As under the bed he lay; But at nine o…

Talking clock While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. ""What is the big brass gong and hammer for?"" one of his friends asked. ""That is the talking clock,"" the man replied. ""How's it work?"" ""Watch,"" the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, ""Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!""

A man walks into a pub... ... And orders his regular ale from the landlord. The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door. ""That's very strange"" exclaims the landlord, ""let me get you another"". So the landlord pours him another pint, places it carefully on the bar, and the man again reaches out to take it. Again, the dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs for the door. ""How very…

A man with no arms was looking for a job... So he was looking through the newspaper to see if anyone had advertised for a job opening. It just happened to be that the local church was looking for a bell ringer. He approached the church and entered through the open door. The pastor greeted him and asked what he could do for him today. The man told the pastor about how he had seen the ad and wanted to apply for the bell ringer. The pastor exclaimed, ""But how, you have no arms to ring the bell wit…

Got caught up in a really great book last night... I didn't stop coloring till 2 o'clock this morning!

So Rob Ford went to the cancer clinic... ...at one o'clock, and signed in with the receptionist. She told him he'd be waiting a while, since his appointment wasn't until two. ""Is this some kind of joke?"" He asked, ""Can't I get in now?"" ""No joke, Mr. Mayor"" she said, ""it's too soon.""

Queer Irishman Sean: Did ya here the one about the queer Irishman? Brian: No. Sean: Seems he was spotted leaving the pub at 11 o'clock with a girl. Brian: So? Sean: Closing time's one.

Tuba Lessons (warning, long build up) A father once desired for his layabout son to do something... anything... with his life in an effort to improve his condition. The child had no academic acumen, nor any athletic talent, so the father decided to get the child involved in the arts. ""Which musical insturment,"" he demanded one day, ""would you like to play most?"" ""The tuba."" replied the child. That very day the father put his child into tuba lessons. The tutor would work with the child ever…

I'm switching all of my clocks to a 24-hour format... ...making it much easier to wait til 5 o'clock to start drinking

Barber Shop One day at a local barber shop a priest went in to get his hair cut. After he finished he asks the barber how much he owes him for the haircut. The barber politely responds with ""For you, it is free of charge. Think of it as my way of giving back to my religion"". The priest is very thankful and leaves. The next day the barber arrives to his shop and find 12 prayer cards on the doorstep from the priest in repayment for the kind act. That very same day a police officer comes into the…

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. ""I assume,"" she snarled, ""that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"" ""There is."" he replied, ""Breakfast.""

It's the first day for a fraternity... It's the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, ""And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women's dorms past eight o'clock at night, it's fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time."" One pledge raises his hand and asks, ""How much for a season pass?""