#oclock

Don't wake Up Until Ten Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year old. "When you're eighty, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" "Actually," said the ninety year old, "ninety…

My neighbour came banging on my front door at 2 o'clock in the morning last night... can you believe it... 2am in the morning!! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” Did you help him?” she asks. No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!” Well, you hav…

She wants to open an account One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager. The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open an account. Naturally, the bank manager is extremely curious as to where this woman got all this money, so he asks her. She replies, \- "I make bets." He says, \- "wha…

Blondes A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom… She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, young man!" Once the kid understood what was happening and was sitting quietly, she wrote a ransom note that said, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning at 7 o'clock, put $10,000 in a brown …

when does the liquor store open? A man calls the owner of a liquor store one evening. What time do you open the store tomorrow morning? The owner answers - we open at nine, Sir, good bye. A few hours later the same man calls again and asks the same question, only this time he is a bit tipsy. I already told you Sir - we open at nine, now stop calling me. Then he calls again about four o'clock in the morning. This time he is totally wasted. Again he asked the same question. The owner, pretty …

A Simple Guide to Cake Consumption If it's 1 o'clock and you're not hungry enough to eat the whole cake

""Doctor help me. I always poop at 8 o'clock in the morning""

What's a dentist's favorite time of the day? Five o'clock

I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out. She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door... The man gets up and goes to the door

My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 o'clock this morning!!! What a lunatic!!! 3 AM!!! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes

It was two o'clock in the morning... ...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said

Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning? Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger stands in the pouring rain.

What's Snoop Dogg's favorite time of day? Tree O'clock!

A salesman was lying in his motel room, flicking through the Gideon Bible. Suddenly he had had a flash of inspiration and walked along to reception, where the girl on the desk was a pretty little redhead. He stopped and talked with her for a while. "What time do you finish?" he asked eventually. "Nine o'clock," she replied. "How about coming round to my room after work for a few drinks?" "Well, I'd like to, but I don't know whether I should." "It'll be okay. It says so in the Bible." "Oh, well a…

Trying to sneak back on board ship at three o'clock in the morning following a heavy drinking session ashore, a sailor was dismayed to find the chief petty officer waiting for him. With the sailor unable to provide an acceptable excuse for his tardiness, he was issued with an immediate punishment. "Take this broom," ordered the CPO, "and sweep every link on this anchor chain by daybreak." The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep but as he did so, a tern landed on the broom handle. The…

Paddy called a wrong number at three o'clock in the morning. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?" he asked. "No, it isn't," said the voice at the other end, "this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you." "Ah, it's no trouble. I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

A judge was hearing a drink-driving case but the defendant, who had a history of driving under the influence, demanded trial by jury. It was nearly four o'clock in the afternoon and getting a jury would take some time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall to recruit anyone available for jury duty. In the main lobby, he found a dozen lawyers and told them that they were to be the jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and followed the judge back into the court…

The judge asked the defendant: "What is your occupation?" "I'm a locksmith, your honour." "Then what were you doing in a jeweller's shop at three o'clock in the morning?" "I was making a bolt for the door!"

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor, "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back" says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest …

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" - - and prompty slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puz…

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch it…